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Sleepless in Sevierville

As a little catch-up, Bryan and I are on a break. It was my decision. Slowly though, we've been inching back into our marriage because things have been going well. I've been avoiding sexual intimacy with the exception of one morning when I was feeling weak. Wouldn't you know Bryan had no time for such things. "Quickie" is apparently not a term he is familiar with. Seems ridiculously familiar, but I let it slide with my only retribution being to put it off for longer.

For whatever reason, Bryan has decided he needs to sleep less so he can have more time to research stuff. I don't know why he has gotten this notion in his head, but whatever. He thinks he needs to sleep on a schedule, 6 hours at night with a 20 minute nap during the day. As ridiculous as it seems, I was fine to let him do that.

However, upon going to bed tonight, he puts earphones in to listen to a hypnosis for sleep thing he downloaded. I questioned him about the headphones and he asked if I wanted to listen to. I did not and I said so. I said that I just didn't like being in a different world then he was. Apparently, he took that to mean that I did want to listen so he started playing it out loud.

I did try to listen and play along with what the very poorly done and surprisingly short recording wanted me to do, but it was hard to distract myself from the thought of, "Omg, this is what he wants to do every night. We're never going to have sex again."

I mean, really? What the hell? So from now on we just go to bed and do that? No chatting, no sex, just listening to some guy talk about sleep patterns.

After the very short recording finished, I just lay there, staring into the darkness of the room. We normally have music playing, but since the recording has been on there was o music. It was very quiet. The only things I heard were the central heat and the clothes dryer. Then the heat reached its designated temp so it kicked off. Then the clothes finished drying so the dryer stopped.

I know some people may not believe it, but silence is a sound. When I can hear nothing, there is like a ringing or a roaring that starts. Like my ear is just aching for something to listen to. Between the deafening silence and the realization that if I want sex I will have to schedule it (Fuck that! Will never happen! I will do without before I do it on a schedule!) I was too irate to sleep. I got up, got my essentials (phone, chapstick, drink, pillow, and blanket) and came out into the living room to sleep.

Naturally, Bryan doesn't understand why I'm annoyed. Maybe some day he will read this blog and figure it out. Highly unlikely though since he doesn't want anyone to know that we know each other so he steers clear of my blog at all costs. Goodness forbid if anyone might somehow figure out that he is the very Bryan I write about.

This whole sleep thing is absolutely ridiculous. I guess I might as well start staying up with the baby. There's obviously no reason to spend my nights with my husband.

Phentermine & Prozac

I saw a psychiatrist on the 20th. His only job was to decide what kind of medication I needed to be on. I told him what medications I was taking including Phentermine. He felt that Prozac was the best choice for me, but said the drug interactions between Prozac and Phentermine were ones to be avoided. If I agreed to get off the Phentermine, he would prescribe me Prozac.

When it came down to it, getting in a better state of mind was more important to me than using the Phentermine for weight loss. I agreed. That was on a Thursday. He told me to not start taking the Prozac until Monday that way the Phentermine would have time to get out of my system and just in case any bad side effects happened he wanted me to be able to come in to see him.

So I quit taking the Phentermine...and over the weekend I started gaining weight again. Not a lot. Just a few tenths of a pound here, a few there. I was bummed about this. My mom told me though that she has taken both the Phentermine and the Prozac for a while now and had no issues. So I figured I would look up the potential side effects myself and see what they were. What I discovered though was something wonderful.

Phen-Pro.

Phentermine and Prozac have been prescribed together as an effective weight-loss tool. It's slightly less effective than Phen-Fen, but much, much safer. The potential side effects are considered minimal. Most who take Phen-Pro, eat well, and exercise have shown significant weight-loss. The majority of these people are able to stop taking the drugs and keep the weight off while a small portion take maintenance doses.

Upon learning this, I decided to start taking my Phentermine again. I take my Prozac at night since it tends to make me kinda tired and I take my Phentermine in the morning before I exercise since it gives me energy. This is the first day I have done this and so far so good. No ugly side effects. I know it may take a while for them to show, but I am buoyed by the success so many others have had.

I do not intend to tell my psychiatrist when I go back to see him in 30 days that I have restarted the Phentermine, but I will tell him what I learned and ask if he had heard of it or what he thinks about it. I don't think he is aware of its use as a weight-loss tool.

I will be sure to let you know how it goes.

Fighting For My Husband

Things blew up pretty badly over the chick Bryan had been talking to. It was mentioned that I could learn internet marketing and therefore he would not need this woman. So on top of trying to look like a porn star for my husband I now get to learn a whole new career. It's kind of annoying, but I will do anything to keep him.

I started learning, following lessons online, and taking a multitude of notes. After a while of that I decided that if I was going to do this I needed to make damn sure that it was going to remove that woman from my husband's life. So as he was getting ready for work one day I told him how it needed to be. I said, "Whether I learn all this or whether I find someone to do it for you, when that point comes you will end the relationship you have with that girl or you will be effectively ending the relationship you have with me."

It was pretty cut and dry. He could continue for whatever length of time it took for one of those things to occur then he needed to return to caring about our relationship rather than some bitch who loves to play "damsel in distress" for him to rescue. Shouldn't have even taken a moment's thought to agree to. I let him finish up getting ready before I finally asked him if he understood. This was the point that he took he tell me that she has potential jobs for him in the future and that after a couple months she may even put him on retainer (giving him x amount of dollars for month) and that he didn't think it would be wise to walk away from that opportunity.

I was livid.

I was basically told that me learning the marketing to take her place was a waste of time. I learned that he had intended to enter into a long-term relationship with this girl and that was that. I had given him what I thought was a fair deal with the declining of that deal meaning the end of us. Choosing her over me was a pretty clear signal about what he wanted. He was emotionally invested in the relationship he developed with her. I told him that was "fine."

He left for work and I cried for about an hour over my complete failure to keep my husband. Then I bucked up and just started cleaning the house and moving my pillow and blankets into the spare room. I didn't think it was appropriate to share a bed with someone who was emotionally invested in someone else. As much as I am sexual person, I wasn't going to be the blow-up doll for him to release his sexual frustration on simply because he couldn't physically be with her.

I let him know. As usual, he was not okay with the situation. I don't why. This always happens. He doesn't want to invest in our relationship, but when I remove the responsibility from him he gets upset. Like most men, I believe he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. So it upsets him when he realizes that's not how life is. I told him that if he and I continued our relationship he would just end up picking that woman over me. But I am getting my confidence back and becoming emotionally stronger so I told him that I refused to be walked over by some chick.

I figured there were only a few outcomes. 1) He would miss physical contact and leave to go to her, 2)He would grow bored of her and make an attempt to get me back, or 3)I would find someone that made me feel what she made him feel so whatever he decided wouldn't matter. I was hoping for the second one.

We finally laid down some ground-rules. I would have continued access to his e-mail. He would not send more than two e-mails to her per day and they would be strictly business related. He would no longer provide her with free information. She was to define what she wanted, he would do it, end of transaction. Most importantly, he was to put the same effort into being with me that he put into having a relationship with her.

Things have been going well for these past few days. Of course, she hasn't been needing anything done lately so that has helped. Here's hoping we can keep it up.

Hey Jealousy

"Jealousy is nothing more than a fear of abandonment."
- Arab Proverb

This is very true. I get extremely jealous and I do worry often about Bryan leaving me. I also know this has a lot to do with my lack of self-confidence and my past experiences. In a former relationship, I cheated. I know all about how easy it is to hide it, how a person's reassurances can mean nothing. I am openly insecure. I have no reason not to be. I spent months being rejected. I'm working on getting myself in shape, but I know there are women out there who look better than I do. I also know that Bryan is a damn good catch. He's sexy as hell, smart, and stable. He's fairly relationship illiterate and doesn't have any understanding of romanticism, but I keep hoping that will improve in time, perhaps when I look better. If I meet his idea of the perfect woman he may be more inclined to dote.

Anyways, Bryan has been doing web development on the side of his regular job to bring in some extra cash. It seemed like a good idea, but I noticed that all but like one or two of his "clients" have been women. His working on web stuff is time taken away from me and now from Sylar. So what I end up seeing is his family being ignored while he talks to other women. That sends my jealousy to a boiling level.

He does know how I feel. I thought because of this he was limiting his intreractions. However, I found out today that he has not only been continuing to work with a certain woman in particular, but she has not had to pay for his services and now, he has even asked for her to work with him, doing some marketing on projects. Being as insecure as I am, I do check his browser history and will scan his e-mail. This is how I found out.

I had mentioned yesterday that I thought for what he wanted to do he was really going to need a marketing person. When he got home today, I told him that when I said that I was certainly not suggesting that girl. He asked if I knew a marketing person and I said, "No, but you can find one." He said he would like someone locally, but until he "ran into that person," the current situation would do.

Oh, really? So omitting information to your wife and not even bothering to attempt to find a marketing person, just waiting until you "run into" a marketing person at the grocery store or something, that will do? Sorry, but that does not "do" for me. We'll see where this goes.

Weight Loss in the Morning

When I decided to start working out each day I wanted to find a time to do so that wouldn't affect anyone else. My mom has been staying with us and taking care of Sylar at night. Bryan usually left around 7:15am and mom usually came out with the baby around 9:00am. Since I only work out for 30 minutes (and I like my sleep) 8:00am seemed the best choice. I could work out for 30 minutes then take a shower and be back out here generally shortly after mom brought the baby out. For some reason, she kept coming out earlier and earlier. Then over the past few days, everytime I got up to work out mom and the baby were already out here. I just dealt with it and worked out anyways.

However, the whole point of getting up at that time was not to interfere with anyone else's day. Since I have been using the Wii Fit that takes up the TV. Also, I prefer to just work out on my own. I don't need someone being a commentator on how well or how poorly I do. Sometimes I like to go a little longer than 30 minutes. I would have liked to yesterday as my cooldown time wasn't quite enough, but mom commented whenever the 30 minute mark came up on the Fit program. So I just went ahead and finished.

When I went into the living room this morning, once again they were already in the  living room. So I asked what time she normally comes out now and she said 8:00am. I said, "Okay, I guess I'm going to have to start getting up at seven." I went back into my room to change because I was not going to work out with an audience again. When I came back out, she had gone back in the room. I guess I had annoyed her or something by being annoyed myself. I dont know. I told her I had changed and was not going to work out.

So now I'm watching Blade and I guess I will just get up early tomorrow. I did weigh myself on my bathroom scale which has been close to the weight the Wii has had for me and while I cant get an exact number like from the Wii, it did appear that I lost more weight. That's awesome. I wish the weight loss was more significant, like 5lbs a day or something (lol), but I have read that weigt loss slowly is weight that will stay off. So I guess I will just be patient because I certainly don't want to head in the opposite direction. :)

Postpartum Depression? Shhhh....

I had a couple set backs in my weight loss. The second week I stayed the same and the third week I had gained five pounds. I was bummed. However, this week I lost 8lbs. Yay! I have been working out every morning on the Wii (using Wii Fit) for 30 minutes and have been losing a little less than a pound a day. So that totally rocks! I love getting on the Wii in the morning and seeing my BMI drop down a little lower every day.

Therapy had went well. She said I seemed to be doing better than the first time I met with her for intake. When I got home though and told my mother, I was accused of not being truthful with the therapist. Who knew you could do therapy wrong? Apparently, I was supposed to ask her to solve a dispute on parenting between my mother and I. I told mom that the therapist is not there to give parenting advice or to side with people. I was going through a tough time then because I felt as though I was constantly having to defend myself to my mom and my husband. I enjoyed my time with the therapist because it was someone who could listen to me and understand. At home, no one listened to me, no one ever thought I had a clue what I was talking about. I was completely alone and fighting a battle that I couldn't win. The two swore they were trying to help me, but all that was happening was alienating me and hurting the confidence that I have been slowly trying to get back.

My troubles through this has made me believe something very strongly. If you are experiencing postpartum depression, DO NOT TELL THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW, ESPECIALLY THOSE CLOSE TO YOU! From the moment you do, your every move will be scrutinized and judged. The worst part I have found, is that if someone makes you mad, they will blame you being mad on the depression. Because obviously, between two people, one suffering from depression one not, the one who isn't couldn't have possible done anything wrong. The depression just makes you think so. Please note all the sarcasm.

Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't tell anyone, just those close to you. You should consult a therapist immediately. Get help and get better that way no one can say you are a danger to your child and trust me, they will.