I'm writing this at 11:20pm on July 28th, twenty-seven days until the baby's due date. I know I have the plans to look like Bryan's perfect woman, but that doesn't mean I don't want to feel attractive and desired, at least a little bit, now. I know I am disgusting and ugly, but that doesn't make the continuing rejection hurt any less.
Last week I told Bryan that I would like sex at least once a week because it could help the baby come sooner. There has still been nothing though. I truly thought I might get some just for the fact that it would speed me toward the ultimate goal of being what he prefers. I guess his disgust for me now outweighs his desire for what I will be.
In another attempt to get some satisfaction, I had started wearing a black night gown without a bra to bed. It's really loose at the top so it's easy for a breast to slip into view. I was hoping to get an arousal out of Bryan that way. I realized tonight how stupid that was. I must have looked completely ridiculous. My breasts are not sexy right now and no matter what I wear or do I'm still going to have this giant, repulsive, pregnant belly. I'm writing this in the baby's room. I assume Bryan is asleep. I got out of bed and went to the bathroom to change clothes. I'm so upset with myself. The first night I put on that gown I thought I looked sexy. I felt sexy. I know better now.
I actually Googled today "how to trick your husband into sex," I didn't find much useful info. All I found were articles about how husbands don't get enough sex and how they can try to get some from their wives. Most husbands are just willing and ready for it. Bryan asked what I was looking at and I debated on not telling him. However, I thought it might help if he knew that I was looking for any possible way to get him to have sex with me. I'm wrong a lot these days.
Maybe I'm just being selfish. If I were in his shoes I probably wouldn't want to do me either. I'm truly hideous. I'm starting to feel numb and it scares me. I could never take my own life, mind you! Not at all, especially when I'm still pregnant, but the thought of hurting myself seems to enter my mind more and more these days. Like becoming a cutter would give me something else to focus on. I've never admitted that before, not even on paper. However, I believe other woman have gone through this and will go through this and I don't want them to think those kinds of dark thoughts are not normal or that they are the only one to think such things. When it's repeatedly reinforced in your mind that you are repulsive and unworthy of love then losing feeling becomes a defense mechanism, but we're human so we crave feeling in any way.
I did try some trickery tonight before I completely gave up. After realizing nothing was going to happen and feeling hurt, again, I thought about starting to sleep on the couch as a possible way to avoid rejection by avoiding the chance for intimacy. By making it my own decision I can pretend to myself that it's for comfort, instead of because I'm so hurt. I decided to see if I could get Bryan to hold me or hug me or something because then maybe, just maybe, it could lead to something more. I told him I was going to lay on the couch tomorrow and that if it seemed more comfortable I was going to start sleeping there. This is where I expected the hug and was hoping for him to express his desire for me to continue sleeping in our room, in our bed. He just said, "Okay." So I tried another tact, I said, "It would be good for when the baby's here. That way you could sleep instead of being woken up by him." So now I'm hoping to play on a little guilt I guess. I'm hoping for him to say I should sleep with the baby in the room like we planned because he's okay with being woken up by our child. Instead I got a, "Huh? What?" That irritated me a bit. I asked, "What do you mean what?" He replied, "You said something would be good, something about the baby, but I don't know what." I was beyond exasperated at this point. I was like, "I JUST said it!" He said, "Well, I guess I missed that part." Exasperation gave way to anger. "YOU AGREED TO IT! Why would agree to something when you don't even know what I said?!?" He stammered for a moment then fell silent. As if I didn't already feel worthless, now I know he couldn't care less what I'm saying when talking to him.
I hate that it's so hard to not cry. I hate feeling this way. I hate that I love my husband so much that every time he makes me feel like shit, hurts me so bad that I retreat to another room to cry for an hour and to wonder over what I have done in my life to deserve to feel like such a loser, I just end up wanting to try all that much harder to be what he wants. I hate myself. I really do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That took a while to recover from. I've been crying almost the whole time I've been writing, but that's the hardest I've cried in months. I went through a lot of tissues.
I hope the couch ends up being comfortable. Either way I'm sure I'll cry dozens of more times over the next twenty-seven days as Bryan continues along his merry way, ignoring my needs, oblivious to the fact that he makes me wish I did not exist, not seeing that even though I have a plan in place for after the baby is here that I still feel hurt and it's twice as bad. He knows I will do this for him! When I start working out, I want to push myself every time until I'm about to die. I mean, worst case scenario I actually do die, but even then at least I wouldn't feel like I do now so worst case scenario is not that bad. However, that's not enough to make him suck it up for a few weeks and try to make me appreciate being alive. I'm kind of scared that he will never be able to look past right now, that no matter how I try to look, he'll never be able to see me as anything but this horrific blob, that our sex life will never resume and that he will leave me or at least cheat on me with some chick that he meets online or at work. I try not to dwell on that thought much though. I have to have hope that if I meet his standards he will quit giving so much of his sexual attention to the internet porn and decide he'd rather act out porn with me.
I've got a really rough next six months coming up. Lots more rejections to deal with, have to learn to be a mother, and have to start working out like mad. I'm sure I'll make it though. I have this year to lose 100 pounds and I want to play the whole thing out and see what happens. You all will get to find out, too, as I continue to blog about this transformation.
