Just an update that all future posts are being written through wordpress for my official site: www.depressiontoperfection.com
Thank you!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Sleepless in Sevierville
As a little catch-up, Bryan and I are on a break. It was my decision. Slowly though, we've been inching back into our marriage because things have been going well. I've been avoiding sexual intimacy with the exception of one morning when I was feeling weak. Wouldn't you know Bryan had no time for such things. "Quickie" is apparently not a term he is familiar with. Seems ridiculously familiar, but I let it slide with my only retribution being to put it off for longer.
For whatever reason, Bryan has decided he needs to sleep less so he can have more time to research stuff. I don't know why he has gotten this notion in his head, but whatever. He thinks he needs to sleep on a schedule, 6 hours at night with a 20 minute nap during the day. As ridiculous as it seems, I was fine to let him do that.
However, upon going to bed tonight, he puts earphones in to listen to a hypnosis for sleep thing he downloaded. I questioned him about the headphones and he asked if I wanted to listen to. I did not and I said so. I said that I just didn't like being in a different world then he was. Apparently, he took that to mean that I did want to listen so he started playing it out loud.
I did try to listen and play along with what the very poorly done and surprisingly short recording wanted me to do, but it was hard to distract myself from the thought of, "Omg, this is what he wants to do every night. We're never going to have sex again."
I mean, really? What the hell? So from now on we just go to bed and do that? No chatting, no sex, just listening to some guy talk about sleep patterns.
After the very short recording finished, I just lay there, staring into the darkness of the room. We normally have music playing, but since the recording has been on there was o music. It was very quiet. The only things I heard were the central heat and the clothes dryer. Then the heat reached its designated temp so it kicked off. Then the clothes finished drying so the dryer stopped.
I know some people may not believe it, but silence is a sound. When I can hear nothing, there is like a ringing or a roaring that starts. Like my ear is just aching for something to listen to. Between the deafening silence and the realization that if I want sex I will have to schedule it (Fuck that! Will never happen! I will do without before I do it on a schedule!) I was too irate to sleep. I got up, got my essentials (phone, chapstick, drink, pillow, and blanket) and came out into the living room to sleep.
Naturally, Bryan doesn't understand why I'm annoyed. Maybe some day he will read this blog and figure it out. Highly unlikely though since he doesn't want anyone to know that we know each other so he steers clear of my blog at all costs. Goodness forbid if anyone might somehow figure out that he is the very Bryan I write about.
This whole sleep thing is absolutely ridiculous. I guess I might as well start staying up with the baby. There's obviously no reason to spend my nights with my husband.
For whatever reason, Bryan has decided he needs to sleep less so he can have more time to research stuff. I don't know why he has gotten this notion in his head, but whatever. He thinks he needs to sleep on a schedule, 6 hours at night with a 20 minute nap during the day. As ridiculous as it seems, I was fine to let him do that.
However, upon going to bed tonight, he puts earphones in to listen to a hypnosis for sleep thing he downloaded. I questioned him about the headphones and he asked if I wanted to listen to. I did not and I said so. I said that I just didn't like being in a different world then he was. Apparently, he took that to mean that I did want to listen so he started playing it out loud.
I did try to listen and play along with what the very poorly done and surprisingly short recording wanted me to do, but it was hard to distract myself from the thought of, "Omg, this is what he wants to do every night. We're never going to have sex again."
I mean, really? What the hell? So from now on we just go to bed and do that? No chatting, no sex, just listening to some guy talk about sleep patterns.
After the very short recording finished, I just lay there, staring into the darkness of the room. We normally have music playing, but since the recording has been on there was o music. It was very quiet. The only things I heard were the central heat and the clothes dryer. Then the heat reached its designated temp so it kicked off. Then the clothes finished drying so the dryer stopped.
I know some people may not believe it, but silence is a sound. When I can hear nothing, there is like a ringing or a roaring that starts. Like my ear is just aching for something to listen to. Between the deafening silence and the realization that if I want sex I will have to schedule it (Fuck that! Will never happen! I will do without before I do it on a schedule!) I was too irate to sleep. I got up, got my essentials (phone, chapstick, drink, pillow, and blanket) and came out into the living room to sleep.
Naturally, Bryan doesn't understand why I'm annoyed. Maybe some day he will read this blog and figure it out. Highly unlikely though since he doesn't want anyone to know that we know each other so he steers clear of my blog at all costs. Goodness forbid if anyone might somehow figure out that he is the very Bryan I write about.
This whole sleep thing is absolutely ridiculous. I guess I might as well start staying up with the baby. There's obviously no reason to spend my nights with my husband.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Phentermine & Prozac
I saw a psychiatrist on the 20th. His only job was to decide what kind of medication I needed to be on. I told him what medications I was taking including Phentermine. He felt that Prozac was the best choice for me, but said the drug interactions between Prozac and Phentermine were ones to be avoided. If I agreed to get off the Phentermine, he would prescribe me Prozac.
When it came down to it, getting in a better state of mind was more important to me than using the Phentermine for weight loss. I agreed. That was on a Thursday. He told me to not start taking the Prozac until Monday that way the Phentermine would have time to get out of my system and just in case any bad side effects happened he wanted me to be able to come in to see him.
So I quit taking the Phentermine...and over the weekend I started gaining weight again. Not a lot. Just a few tenths of a pound here, a few there. I was bummed about this. My mom told me though that she has taken both the Phentermine and the Prozac for a while now and had no issues. So I figured I would look up the potential side effects myself and see what they were. What I discovered though was something wonderful.
Phen-Pro.
Phentermine and Prozac have been prescribed together as an effective weight-loss tool. It's slightly less effective than Phen-Fen, but much, much safer. The potential side effects are considered minimal. Most who take Phen-Pro, eat well, and exercise have shown significant weight-loss. The majority of these people are able to stop taking the drugs and keep the weight off while a small portion take maintenance doses.
Upon learning this, I decided to start taking my Phentermine again. I take my Prozac at night since it tends to make me kinda tired and I take my Phentermine in the morning before I exercise since it gives me energy. This is the first day I have done this and so far so good. No ugly side effects. I know it may take a while for them to show, but I am buoyed by the success so many others have had.
I do not intend to tell my psychiatrist when I go back to see him in 30 days that I have restarted the Phentermine, but I will tell him what I learned and ask if he had heard of it or what he thinks about it. I don't think he is aware of its use as a weight-loss tool.
I will be sure to let you know how it goes.
When it came down to it, getting in a better state of mind was more important to me than using the Phentermine for weight loss. I agreed. That was on a Thursday. He told me to not start taking the Prozac until Monday that way the Phentermine would have time to get out of my system and just in case any bad side effects happened he wanted me to be able to come in to see him.
So I quit taking the Phentermine...and over the weekend I started gaining weight again. Not a lot. Just a few tenths of a pound here, a few there. I was bummed about this. My mom told me though that she has taken both the Phentermine and the Prozac for a while now and had no issues. So I figured I would look up the potential side effects myself and see what they were. What I discovered though was something wonderful.
Phen-Pro.
Phentermine and Prozac have been prescribed together as an effective weight-loss tool. It's slightly less effective than Phen-Fen, but much, much safer. The potential side effects are considered minimal. Most who take Phen-Pro, eat well, and exercise have shown significant weight-loss. The majority of these people are able to stop taking the drugs and keep the weight off while a small portion take maintenance doses.
Upon learning this, I decided to start taking my Phentermine again. I take my Prozac at night since it tends to make me kinda tired and I take my Phentermine in the morning before I exercise since it gives me energy. This is the first day I have done this and so far so good. No ugly side effects. I know it may take a while for them to show, but I am buoyed by the success so many others have had.
I do not intend to tell my psychiatrist when I go back to see him in 30 days that I have restarted the Phentermine, but I will tell him what I learned and ask if he had heard of it or what he thinks about it. I don't think he is aware of its use as a weight-loss tool.
I will be sure to let you know how it goes.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Fighting For My Husband
Things blew up pretty badly over the chick Bryan had been talking to. It was mentioned that I could learn internet marketing and therefore he would not need this woman. So on top of trying to look like a porn star for my husband I now get to learn a whole new career. It's kind of annoying, but I will do anything to keep him.
I started learning, following lessons online, and taking a multitude of notes. After a while of that I decided that if I was going to do this I needed to make damn sure that it was going to remove that woman from my husband's life. So as he was getting ready for work one day I told him how it needed to be. I said, "Whether I learn all this or whether I find someone to do it for you, when that point comes you will end the relationship you have with that girl or you will be effectively ending the relationship you have with me."
It was pretty cut and dry. He could continue for whatever length of time it took for one of those things to occur then he needed to return to caring about our relationship rather than some bitch who loves to play "damsel in distress" for him to rescue. Shouldn't have even taken a moment's thought to agree to. I let him finish up getting ready before I finally asked him if he understood. This was the point that he took he tell me that she has potential jobs for him in the future and that after a couple months she may even put him on retainer (giving him x amount of dollars for month) and that he didn't think it would be wise to walk away from that opportunity.
I was livid.
I was basically told that me learning the marketing to take her place was a waste of time. I learned that he had intended to enter into a long-term relationship with this girl and that was that. I had given him what I thought was a fair deal with the declining of that deal meaning the end of us. Choosing her over me was a pretty clear signal about what he wanted. He was emotionally invested in the relationship he developed with her. I told him that was "fine."
He left for work and I cried for about an hour over my complete failure to keep my husband. Then I bucked up and just started cleaning the house and moving my pillow and blankets into the spare room. I didn't think it was appropriate to share a bed with someone who was emotionally invested in someone else. As much as I am sexual person, I wasn't going to be the blow-up doll for him to release his sexual frustration on simply because he couldn't physically be with her.
I let him know. As usual, he was not okay with the situation. I don't why. This always happens. He doesn't want to invest in our relationship, but when I remove the responsibility from him he gets upset. Like most men, I believe he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. So it upsets him when he realizes that's not how life is. I told him that if he and I continued our relationship he would just end up picking that woman over me. But I am getting my confidence back and becoming emotionally stronger so I told him that I refused to be walked over by some chick.
I figured there were only a few outcomes. 1) He would miss physical contact and leave to go to her, 2)He would grow bored of her and make an attempt to get me back, or 3)I would find someone that made me feel what she made him feel so whatever he decided wouldn't matter. I was hoping for the second one.
We finally laid down some ground-rules. I would have continued access to his e-mail. He would not send more than two e-mails to her per day and they would be strictly business related. He would no longer provide her with free information. She was to define what she wanted, he would do it, end of transaction. Most importantly, he was to put the same effort into being with me that he put into having a relationship with her.
Things have been going well for these past few days. Of course, she hasn't been needing anything done lately so that has helped. Here's hoping we can keep it up.
I started learning, following lessons online, and taking a multitude of notes. After a while of that I decided that if I was going to do this I needed to make damn sure that it was going to remove that woman from my husband's life. So as he was getting ready for work one day I told him how it needed to be. I said, "Whether I learn all this or whether I find someone to do it for you, when that point comes you will end the relationship you have with that girl or you will be effectively ending the relationship you have with me."
It was pretty cut and dry. He could continue for whatever length of time it took for one of those things to occur then he needed to return to caring about our relationship rather than some bitch who loves to play "damsel in distress" for him to rescue. Shouldn't have even taken a moment's thought to agree to. I let him finish up getting ready before I finally asked him if he understood. This was the point that he took he tell me that she has potential jobs for him in the future and that after a couple months she may even put him on retainer (giving him x amount of dollars for month) and that he didn't think it would be wise to walk away from that opportunity.
I was livid.
I was basically told that me learning the marketing to take her place was a waste of time. I learned that he had intended to enter into a long-term relationship with this girl and that was that. I had given him what I thought was a fair deal with the declining of that deal meaning the end of us. Choosing her over me was a pretty clear signal about what he wanted. He was emotionally invested in the relationship he developed with her. I told him that was "fine."
He left for work and I cried for about an hour over my complete failure to keep my husband. Then I bucked up and just started cleaning the house and moving my pillow and blankets into the spare room. I didn't think it was appropriate to share a bed with someone who was emotionally invested in someone else. As much as I am sexual person, I wasn't going to be the blow-up doll for him to release his sexual frustration on simply because he couldn't physically be with her.
I let him know. As usual, he was not okay with the situation. I don't why. This always happens. He doesn't want to invest in our relationship, but when I remove the responsibility from him he gets upset. Like most men, I believe he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. So it upsets him when he realizes that's not how life is. I told him that if he and I continued our relationship he would just end up picking that woman over me. But I am getting my confidence back and becoming emotionally stronger so I told him that I refused to be walked over by some chick.
I figured there were only a few outcomes. 1) He would miss physical contact and leave to go to her, 2)He would grow bored of her and make an attempt to get me back, or 3)I would find someone that made me feel what she made him feel so whatever he decided wouldn't matter. I was hoping for the second one.
We finally laid down some ground-rules. I would have continued access to his e-mail. He would not send more than two e-mails to her per day and they would be strictly business related. He would no longer provide her with free information. She was to define what she wanted, he would do it, end of transaction. Most importantly, he was to put the same effort into being with me that he put into having a relationship with her.
Things have been going well for these past few days. Of course, she hasn't been needing anything done lately so that has helped. Here's hoping we can keep it up.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Hey Jealousy
"Jealousy is nothing more than a fear of abandonment."
- Arab Proverb
This is very true. I get extremely jealous and I do worry often about Bryan leaving me. I also know this has a lot to do with my lack of self-confidence and my past experiences. In a former relationship, I cheated. I know all about how easy it is to hide it, how a person's reassurances can mean nothing. I am openly insecure. I have no reason not to be. I spent months being rejected. I'm working on getting myself in shape, but I know there are women out there who look better than I do. I also know that Bryan is a damn good catch. He's sexy as hell, smart, and stable. He's fairly relationship illiterate and doesn't have any understanding of romanticism, but I keep hoping that will improve in time, perhaps when I look better. If I meet his idea of the perfect woman he may be more inclined to dote.
Anyways, Bryan has been doing web development on the side of his regular job to bring in some extra cash. It seemed like a good idea, but I noticed that all but like one or two of his "clients" have been women. His working on web stuff is time taken away from me and now from Sylar. So what I end up seeing is his family being ignored while he talks to other women. That sends my jealousy to a boiling level.
He does know how I feel. I thought because of this he was limiting his intreractions. However, I found out today that he has not only been continuing to work with a certain woman in particular, but she has not had to pay for his services and now, he has even asked for her to work with him, doing some marketing on projects. Being as insecure as I am, I do check his browser history and will scan his e-mail. This is how I found out.
I had mentioned yesterday that I thought for what he wanted to do he was really going to need a marketing person. When he got home today, I told him that when I said that I was certainly not suggesting that girl. He asked if I knew a marketing person and I said, "No, but you can find one." He said he would like someone locally, but until he "ran into that person," the current situation would do.
Oh, really? So omitting information to your wife and not even bothering to attempt to find a marketing person, just waiting until you "run into" a marketing person at the grocery store or something, that will do? Sorry, but that does not "do" for me. We'll see where this goes.
- Arab Proverb
This is very true. I get extremely jealous and I do worry often about Bryan leaving me. I also know this has a lot to do with my lack of self-confidence and my past experiences. In a former relationship, I cheated. I know all about how easy it is to hide it, how a person's reassurances can mean nothing. I am openly insecure. I have no reason not to be. I spent months being rejected. I'm working on getting myself in shape, but I know there are women out there who look better than I do. I also know that Bryan is a damn good catch. He's sexy as hell, smart, and stable. He's fairly relationship illiterate and doesn't have any understanding of romanticism, but I keep hoping that will improve in time, perhaps when I look better. If I meet his idea of the perfect woman he may be more inclined to dote.
Anyways, Bryan has been doing web development on the side of his regular job to bring in some extra cash. It seemed like a good idea, but I noticed that all but like one or two of his "clients" have been women. His working on web stuff is time taken away from me and now from Sylar. So what I end up seeing is his family being ignored while he talks to other women. That sends my jealousy to a boiling level.
He does know how I feel. I thought because of this he was limiting his intreractions. However, I found out today that he has not only been continuing to work with a certain woman in particular, but she has not had to pay for his services and now, he has even asked for her to work with him, doing some marketing on projects. Being as insecure as I am, I do check his browser history and will scan his e-mail. This is how I found out.
I had mentioned yesterday that I thought for what he wanted to do he was really going to need a marketing person. When he got home today, I told him that when I said that I was certainly not suggesting that girl. He asked if I knew a marketing person and I said, "No, but you can find one." He said he would like someone locally, but until he "ran into that person," the current situation would do.
Oh, really? So omitting information to your wife and not even bothering to attempt to find a marketing person, just waiting until you "run into" a marketing person at the grocery store or something, that will do? Sorry, but that does not "do" for me. We'll see where this goes.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Weight Loss in the Morning
When I decided to start working out each day I wanted to find a time to do so that wouldn't affect anyone else. My mom has been staying with us and taking care of Sylar at night. Bryan usually left around 7:15am and mom usually came out with the baby around 9:00am. Since I only work out for 30 minutes (and I like my sleep) 8:00am seemed the best choice. I could work out for 30 minutes then take a shower and be back out here generally shortly after mom brought the baby out. For some reason, she kept coming out earlier and earlier. Then over the past few days, everytime I got up to work out mom and the baby were already out here. I just dealt with it and worked out anyways.
However, the whole point of getting up at that time was not to interfere with anyone else's day. Since I have been using the Wii Fit that takes up the TV. Also, I prefer to just work out on my own. I don't need someone being a commentator on how well or how poorly I do. Sometimes I like to go a little longer than 30 minutes. I would have liked to yesterday as my cooldown time wasn't quite enough, but mom commented whenever the 30 minute mark came up on the Fit program. So I just went ahead and finished.
When I went into the living room this morning, once again they were already in the living room. So I asked what time she normally comes out now and she said 8:00am. I said, "Okay, I guess I'm going to have to start getting up at seven." I went back into my room to change because I was not going to work out with an audience again. When I came back out, she had gone back in the room. I guess I had annoyed her or something by being annoyed myself. I dont know. I told her I had changed and was not going to work out.
So now I'm watching Blade and I guess I will just get up early tomorrow. I did weigh myself on my bathroom scale which has been close to the weight the Wii has had for me and while I cant get an exact number like from the Wii, it did appear that I lost more weight. That's awesome. I wish the weight loss was more significant, like 5lbs a day or something (lol), but I have read that weigt loss slowly is weight that will stay off. So I guess I will just be patient because I certainly don't want to head in the opposite direction. :)
However, the whole point of getting up at that time was not to interfere with anyone else's day. Since I have been using the Wii Fit that takes up the TV. Also, I prefer to just work out on my own. I don't need someone being a commentator on how well or how poorly I do. Sometimes I like to go a little longer than 30 minutes. I would have liked to yesterday as my cooldown time wasn't quite enough, but mom commented whenever the 30 minute mark came up on the Fit program. So I just went ahead and finished.
When I went into the living room this morning, once again they were already in the living room. So I asked what time she normally comes out now and she said 8:00am. I said, "Okay, I guess I'm going to have to start getting up at seven." I went back into my room to change because I was not going to work out with an audience again. When I came back out, she had gone back in the room. I guess I had annoyed her or something by being annoyed myself. I dont know. I told her I had changed and was not going to work out.
So now I'm watching Blade and I guess I will just get up early tomorrow. I did weigh myself on my bathroom scale which has been close to the weight the Wii has had for me and while I cant get an exact number like from the Wii, it did appear that I lost more weight. That's awesome. I wish the weight loss was more significant, like 5lbs a day or something (lol), but I have read that weigt loss slowly is weight that will stay off. So I guess I will just be patient because I certainly don't want to head in the opposite direction. :)
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Postpartum Depression? Shhhh....
I had a couple set backs in my weight loss. The second week I stayed the same and the third week I had gained five pounds. I was bummed. However, this week I lost 8lbs. Yay! I have been working out every morning on the Wii (using Wii Fit) for 30 minutes and have been losing a little less than a pound a day. So that totally rocks! I love getting on the Wii in the morning and seeing my BMI drop down a little lower every day.
Therapy had went well. She said I seemed to be doing better than the first time I met with her for intake. When I got home though and told my mother, I was accused of not being truthful with the therapist. Who knew you could do therapy wrong? Apparently, I was supposed to ask her to solve a dispute on parenting between my mother and I. I told mom that the therapist is not there to give parenting advice or to side with people. I was going through a tough time then because I felt as though I was constantly having to defend myself to my mom and my husband. I enjoyed my time with the therapist because it was someone who could listen to me and understand. At home, no one listened to me, no one ever thought I had a clue what I was talking about. I was completely alone and fighting a battle that I couldn't win. The two swore they were trying to help me, but all that was happening was alienating me and hurting the confidence that I have been slowly trying to get back.
My troubles through this has made me believe something very strongly. If you are experiencing postpartum depression, DO NOT TELL THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW, ESPECIALLY THOSE CLOSE TO YOU! From the moment you do, your every move will be scrutinized and judged. The worst part I have found, is that if someone makes you mad, they will blame you being mad on the depression. Because obviously, between two people, one suffering from depression one not, the one who isn't couldn't have possible done anything wrong. The depression just makes you think so. Please note all the sarcasm.
Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't tell anyone, just those close to you. You should consult a therapist immediately. Get help and get better that way no one can say you are a danger to your child and trust me, they will.
Therapy had went well. She said I seemed to be doing better than the first time I met with her for intake. When I got home though and told my mother, I was accused of not being truthful with the therapist. Who knew you could do therapy wrong? Apparently, I was supposed to ask her to solve a dispute on parenting between my mother and I. I told mom that the therapist is not there to give parenting advice or to side with people. I was going through a tough time then because I felt as though I was constantly having to defend myself to my mom and my husband. I enjoyed my time with the therapist because it was someone who could listen to me and understand. At home, no one listened to me, no one ever thought I had a clue what I was talking about. I was completely alone and fighting a battle that I couldn't win. The two swore they were trying to help me, but all that was happening was alienating me and hurting the confidence that I have been slowly trying to get back.
My troubles through this has made me believe something very strongly. If you are experiencing postpartum depression, DO NOT TELL THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW, ESPECIALLY THOSE CLOSE TO YOU! From the moment you do, your every move will be scrutinized and judged. The worst part I have found, is that if someone makes you mad, they will blame you being mad on the depression. Because obviously, between two people, one suffering from depression one not, the one who isn't couldn't have possible done anything wrong. The depression just makes you think so. Please note all the sarcasm.
Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't tell anyone, just those close to you. You should consult a therapist immediately. Get help and get better that way no one can say you are a danger to your child and trust me, they will.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
My Hopes for Sylar's Future
I have hopes for my son's future. I feel like I didn't have a lot of advantages when I was younger so I want to give him every possible head start on life that I can give him. There is a place in Knoxville that teaches tumbling starting at 18 months. He will be going there for as long a he likes it. I also want to get him into dance once he is older. I have always wanted a little girl to pagaent with, but if he was interested, we'd get him a suit and go looking for a pagaent with a Little Prince or Little Mister division for him to compete in.
I'm a firm believer in pagaents being good for a child. This stems mainly from my life experiences. When I was little, one of my cousins who was a couple years older than I did pagaents. I did not. I'm not sure why my mom didn't try me out in pagaents. I was very envious of my cousin though. She got to dress up like a princess. She got to ride on a convertible in our local parade. More importantly though, through pagaenting she learned to be out-going and self-confident. Those are two qualitis that you should want your child to learn as early as possible. It will affect the rest of their life.
My cousin went on to be extremely popular in school. She was involved in many extracurricular activities. People just knew who she was. I never had the opportunities she did to learn these qualities. I was shy and withdrawn. Never was popular. I received quite a lot of teasing and bullying because of that fact. I ws not in the "in" crowd so myself and the few friends I had were easy targets. That was mainly during elementary school...the time of a child's life that teaches a child what to expect in the future. It did teach me what to expect so when highschool came around my friends and I worked to stay invisble. If anyone was asked we were probably still considered "losers," but we were left alone. When I moved to Tennessee, it was even better. The highschool I went to was huge and no one knew me. So it was easy to be invisible.
Being invisble is not a life though. It keeps you from trying anything. If you have some kind of talent the last thing you want to do is show it. That would simply draw attention to yourself and I was taught in elementary school, attention brings ridicule and bullying. Until I became an adult and finally found confidence in myself, I didn't realize the potential I had. My life could have been so much more.
I don't want Sylar to live like that. I want him to be in the "in" crowd, but have the ability to recognize a bully and stand up to one. I want to give him the ability to be out-going, make friends from any walk of life, and to want to discover all his potential and all his talent and be happy to show the world what he can do. That's a good hope, right?
I'm a firm believer in pagaents being good for a child. This stems mainly from my life experiences. When I was little, one of my cousins who was a couple years older than I did pagaents. I did not. I'm not sure why my mom didn't try me out in pagaents. I was very envious of my cousin though. She got to dress up like a princess. She got to ride on a convertible in our local parade. More importantly though, through pagaenting she learned to be out-going and self-confident. Those are two qualitis that you should want your child to learn as early as possible. It will affect the rest of their life.
My cousin went on to be extremely popular in school. She was involved in many extracurricular activities. People just knew who she was. I never had the opportunities she did to learn these qualities. I was shy and withdrawn. Never was popular. I received quite a lot of teasing and bullying because of that fact. I ws not in the "in" crowd so myself and the few friends I had were easy targets. That was mainly during elementary school...the time of a child's life that teaches a child what to expect in the future. It did teach me what to expect so when highschool came around my friends and I worked to stay invisble. If anyone was asked we were probably still considered "losers," but we were left alone. When I moved to Tennessee, it was even better. The highschool I went to was huge and no one knew me. So it was easy to be invisible.
Being invisble is not a life though. It keeps you from trying anything. If you have some kind of talent the last thing you want to do is show it. That would simply draw attention to yourself and I was taught in elementary school, attention brings ridicule and bullying. Until I became an adult and finally found confidence in myself, I didn't realize the potential I had. My life could have been so much more.
I don't want Sylar to live like that. I want him to be in the "in" crowd, but have the ability to recognize a bully and stand up to one. I want to give him the ability to be out-going, make friends from any walk of life, and to want to discover all his potential and all his talent and be happy to show the world what he can do. That's a good hope, right?
Therapy and Puppy Spaying in the Future
I had my first appointment with the therapy center today. It was just called an "intake appointment." So I didn't actually get any therapy. It was just filling out paperwork and answering questions. My first real therapy appointment is October 4th. I'm kind of annoyed about having to wait that long after having to wait like three weeks for this appointment, but at least I have the hope that my depression won't forever rule my life.
Next week, I'm taking my puppy to the vet to get spayed. I'm a bit nervous about it. I have had four dogs fixed, but one was such a bad experience that it really scares me everytime. There was many issues surrounding that incident though. I took her to Fix-A-Pet (yes, it's a real place) because they offered low-cost spay and neutering and considering that was their primary reason for existing I assumed they would be good at it.
She was still too drugged up for me to take home, but they convinced me she was fine. She could not control her own body. I had her in the back seat on the ride home and somehow her head slipped under my seat and got stuck. I was in hysterics. The only thing I could do was pull her out by her tail. I felt terrible doing it and I didn't want to disrupt her stitches, but at least I got her out.
After that she slept, but then that night she just stayed awake and cried. I gave her a tranquilizer they gave me, but it didn't seem to help. She would try to stand and her front leg just crumbled beneath her. This happened repeatedly and her leg really seemed to bother her. I called Fix-A-Pet, but they were completely useless saying nothing was wrong with her. Bryan and I took her to the emergency vet. The tranquilzer apparently kicked in for the ride there. She just layed in the back of the car with whichever one of us was back there with her. The vet said she was super-dehydrated so they loaded her up with fluids and gave her pain medication. They told me that the vet that treated her should have given me pain medication along with the tranquilzer for her. They offered to keep her overnight, but I knew that the bill was going to be astronomical as was so we opted to take her home. It took a few days, but she did finally get to a fairly normal state again. I was so scared that night though.
I have since then only used my normal vet. The extra cost is worth the health and safety of my pets. However, I do wait until the last possible hour to pick my pet up that way as much as the anesthetic as possible will be wore off. It also means if any problems do arise within the hours after her surgery, she will be in the vet's office already and it can be addressed immediately.
So wish me and my little Skye lots of luck that we both survive! I do love my animals very much. :)
Next week, I'm taking my puppy to the vet to get spayed. I'm a bit nervous about it. I have had four dogs fixed, but one was such a bad experience that it really scares me everytime. There was many issues surrounding that incident though. I took her to Fix-A-Pet (yes, it's a real place) because they offered low-cost spay and neutering and considering that was their primary reason for existing I assumed they would be good at it.
She was still too drugged up for me to take home, but they convinced me she was fine. She could not control her own body. I had her in the back seat on the ride home and somehow her head slipped under my seat and got stuck. I was in hysterics. The only thing I could do was pull her out by her tail. I felt terrible doing it and I didn't want to disrupt her stitches, but at least I got her out.
After that she slept, but then that night she just stayed awake and cried. I gave her a tranquilizer they gave me, but it didn't seem to help. She would try to stand and her front leg just crumbled beneath her. This happened repeatedly and her leg really seemed to bother her. I called Fix-A-Pet, but they were completely useless saying nothing was wrong with her. Bryan and I took her to the emergency vet. The tranquilzer apparently kicked in for the ride there. She just layed in the back of the car with whichever one of us was back there with her. The vet said she was super-dehydrated so they loaded her up with fluids and gave her pain medication. They told me that the vet that treated her should have given me pain medication along with the tranquilzer for her. They offered to keep her overnight, but I knew that the bill was going to be astronomical as was so we opted to take her home. It took a few days, but she did finally get to a fairly normal state again. I was so scared that night though.
I have since then only used my normal vet. The extra cost is worth the health and safety of my pets. However, I do wait until the last possible hour to pick my pet up that way as much as the anesthetic as possible will be wore off. It also means if any problems do arise within the hours after her surgery, she will be in the vet's office already and it can be addressed immediately.
So wish me and my little Skye lots of luck that we both survive! I do love my animals very much. :)
Monday, September 19, 2011
Good News All Around!
A week after my first shot at the weight loss clinic, I have lost 7lbs! Yay! I know it might not always come off that quickly so I'm relishing this small victory.
Bryan and I had a good heart-to-heart recently. We have been fighting so much lately and it was really starting to wear me down. It seemed like everyday I was ready to kick him to the curb. Getting bitched at by me over every little thing was not easy on him either. Naturally, he started reacting in a negative way so the fights only escalated. I tried to initiate the conversation many times, but Bryan refused to believe we had any issues simply because we couldn't name exactly what they were. So we just kept on doing the same thing. Being...miserable.
The heart-to-heart covered a lot and really got to the root of the depression I have been dealing with since the pregnancy. The sexual rejection during my pregnancy led to the complete obliteration of my confidence. The lack of any kind of positive attention drove me down further. The depression cause me to be bitter and resentful of both the baby and Bryan. The hatefulness led to me lashing out over every little thing. I was hurting and my husband didn't seem to care so I wanted to cause hurt back. Supposedly, he is going to work on showing me through both words and ACTIONS how much he loves me and wants me.
So far has been going well. Just have to hope it keeps up. This is the closest we have gotten to where we were when we first started really falling for each other so I think we have a good chance. :)
Bryan and I had a good heart-to-heart recently. We have been fighting so much lately and it was really starting to wear me down. It seemed like everyday I was ready to kick him to the curb. Getting bitched at by me over every little thing was not easy on him either. Naturally, he started reacting in a negative way so the fights only escalated. I tried to initiate the conversation many times, but Bryan refused to believe we had any issues simply because we couldn't name exactly what they were. So we just kept on doing the same thing. Being...miserable.
The heart-to-heart covered a lot and really got to the root of the depression I have been dealing with since the pregnancy. The sexual rejection during my pregnancy led to the complete obliteration of my confidence. The lack of any kind of positive attention drove me down further. The depression cause me to be bitter and resentful of both the baby and Bryan. The hatefulness led to me lashing out over every little thing. I was hurting and my husband didn't seem to care so I wanted to cause hurt back. Supposedly, he is going to work on showing me through both words and ACTIONS how much he loves me and wants me.
So far has been going well. Just have to hope it keeps up. This is the closest we have gotten to where we were when we first started really falling for each other so I think we have a good chance. :)
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Depression Meets Determination: What happens when an immovable object meets an unstoppable force?
Well, depression followed me out of pregnancy and into the postpartum time. I was really hoping it wouldn't, but no such luck. I feel like all the horrible things about my pregnancy, from the many medical issues to the rejection from Bryan, have all manifested into this soulless creature that hates me and wants me to kill myself. I have never had the thought of death in my mind as much as I had over the past couple weeks. I have never gone over the many possible ways to end my own life so often.
I have set up an appointment with a therapist. Goodness knows there is a ton I could talk about. I'm not even sure where to start. Do I start at the beginning with the problems trying to get pregnant? Do I start with my extreme disappointment over having a boy? Do I start at the birth? Or just last night when he woke me up and didn't want to burp or eat, only wanted to scream until I again brought the thoughts of death to the forefront of my mind.
I do okay during the day. I have learned that with the TV in front of me I can just zone out when he starts screaming. I still go through the motions of trying to comfort him, but I focus my mind on the images on the screen. I basically do what I can to check out mentally. Without my mind involved, I'm not there to react in a negative way. Well, I'm not there to react in any way, but I guess no positive is better than any negative.
To add to my depression, after trying on many pairs of jeans at multiple stores, I realized that there are no pants that will fit me. I have a huge skin flap hanging on my stomach. I have to get jeans in a huge size to accommodate that flap, but then the jeans are too big on my butt and legs. I looked like a blob in everything. The things that actually fit my legs and butt well, would of course not button up. It was horrible. I worked really hard not to cry about it. It occurred to me that it actually was a skin flap. It was not something I was going to be able to work off. It was just always going to be there, ruining any chance I had of reaching my goal.
I researched online and everyone was in agreement that the only way to get rid of that skin flap was to get a tummy tuck. It's expensive. Definitely more than we would be able to save in a year, but there is a possibility of getting insurance to cover it if the skin flap is causing problems such as a yeast infection. That's exactly what happened with me. The incision got a yeast infection on it because of the skin flap covering it up. So I'm hoping that I will get some helpful information when I go for my six-week postpartum visit.
I will have to wait many months. I know that and that sucks, but the surgeons want you at decent weight. Also, you heal faster when you are in better shape. So I will have lots of working out to do, but rest assured when I get the okay I will be diving into it. Mom has me set up with a weight loss clinic to get shots that are supposed to help "melt the fat," and after I get the okay I can get medications from them to help minimize my appetite. (I've not had much of an appetite lately, but I want to make sure it stays that way.) I'm also going to be meeting with the personal trainer that has been helping her lose weight. I will learn exercises from her and do them and more as often as I can when I am home. I am nothing if not determined.
I have set up an appointment with a therapist. Goodness knows there is a ton I could talk about. I'm not even sure where to start. Do I start at the beginning with the problems trying to get pregnant? Do I start with my extreme disappointment over having a boy? Do I start at the birth? Or just last night when he woke me up and didn't want to burp or eat, only wanted to scream until I again brought the thoughts of death to the forefront of my mind.
I do okay during the day. I have learned that with the TV in front of me I can just zone out when he starts screaming. I still go through the motions of trying to comfort him, but I focus my mind on the images on the screen. I basically do what I can to check out mentally. Without my mind involved, I'm not there to react in a negative way. Well, I'm not there to react in any way, but I guess no positive is better than any negative.
To add to my depression, after trying on many pairs of jeans at multiple stores, I realized that there are no pants that will fit me. I have a huge skin flap hanging on my stomach. I have to get jeans in a huge size to accommodate that flap, but then the jeans are too big on my butt and legs. I looked like a blob in everything. The things that actually fit my legs and butt well, would of course not button up. It was horrible. I worked really hard not to cry about it. It occurred to me that it actually was a skin flap. It was not something I was going to be able to work off. It was just always going to be there, ruining any chance I had of reaching my goal.
I researched online and everyone was in agreement that the only way to get rid of that skin flap was to get a tummy tuck. It's expensive. Definitely more than we would be able to save in a year, but there is a possibility of getting insurance to cover it if the skin flap is causing problems such as a yeast infection. That's exactly what happened with me. The incision got a yeast infection on it because of the skin flap covering it up. So I'm hoping that I will get some helpful information when I go for my six-week postpartum visit.
I will have to wait many months. I know that and that sucks, but the surgeons want you at decent weight. Also, you heal faster when you are in better shape. So I will have lots of working out to do, but rest assured when I get the okay I will be diving into it. Mom has me set up with a weight loss clinic to get shots that are supposed to help "melt the fat," and after I get the okay I can get medications from them to help minimize my appetite. (I've not had much of an appetite lately, but I want to make sure it stays that way.) I'm also going to be meeting with the personal trainer that has been helping her lose weight. I will learn exercises from her and do them and more as often as I can when I am home. I am nothing if not determined.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Weight Update
I am now 2 weeks and 4 days out from the c-section. With the pregnancy, I gained 50 pounds. When I last checked a couple days ago, I only had 15 pounds left to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I was astonished and pleased. I am hopeful for when I start working out. Unfortunately, I know it will still be a while before I can work out in earnest. Six weeks is the standard waiting period and even then it will be up to the doctor. I don't want to do anything that might reopen my incision or rip my inner stitches.
Everyone knows that eating well goes hand in hand with exercising. That's something that I have been able to do. Of course, I believe it was the c-section that has led to my eating better. I cannot eat near as much. I eat less now then I did before I got pregnant. I think that has contributed to a large part of my weight loss. Less calories going in, but burning more through pumping and light activities.
I have to get down to 117 pounds. Assuming I am the same weight from a few days ago, I have to lose 103 pounds. I think it's possible. I can lose the weight and look like I need to to be attractive to my husband again. This is a super exciting thought!
Everyone knows that eating well goes hand in hand with exercising. That's something that I have been able to do. Of course, I believe it was the c-section that has led to my eating better. I cannot eat near as much. I eat less now then I did before I got pregnant. I think that has contributed to a large part of my weight loss. Less calories going in, but burning more through pumping and light activities.
I have to get down to 117 pounds. Assuming I am the same weight from a few days ago, I have to lose 103 pounds. I think it's possible. I can lose the weight and look like I need to to be attractive to my husband again. This is a super exciting thought!
The Delivery: Sylar's Arrival
Since the pregnancy had not gone as desired I'm not sure what made me think any part of labor and delivery would go as planned.
I was supposed to go in at 5:30 in the morning and be given a drug that was part of a trial to induce labor. (Just for knowledge, it was a drug that has been used for years as an induction method. They just changed the way it is administered. Therefore it is going through a trial phase.) I got a call the night before and a nurse told me to call before I came in because they were backed up with deliveries. So at 3:30am I called to check and the nurse said she would call me when they were ready. A little after 6:00am I got the call so we headed in.
Once we got into the labor room and I got hooked up, the first of many complications began. As it just so happens, I was already having contractions. That seems like it would be a good thing. However, because the contractions were being so consistent, they couldn't give me the trial drug to induce labor. Because of the way it's used, if it caused the contractions to come on to fast or too strong, they wouldn't be able to stop it immediately like they could with pitocin. I was told I could either go home and wait to go into active labor on my own or to go ahead and take the pit. As much as I didn't want to do that, I didn't want to wait after getting myself all psyched up for that day. So on pitocin I went.
Contractions got stronger. I could feel them, but they were not painful. I wasn't progressing quickly enough though so they decided to break my water. That was another thing I was hoping to avoid, having that done manually. Oh, well. When they came in to do it, I didn't even know. I thought I was just being cathed, but it was incredibly painful and I didn't understand why. I broke down into tears quickly. It wasn't until I felt the water that I realized what was going on. Afterwards the pain subsided and I returned to normal.
They did insert internal monitors. Again, something I didn't want, but that was required. It wasn't long after they broke the water that the contractions got really bad. I knew I was not going to be able to make it without drugs. I kicked everyone out of the room except for Bryan. I wanted to get the epidural without anyone trying to talk me out of it. I called for the epidural guy (who, by the way, is extremely nice) and asked to get drugged up. There were a few minor complications with that. Didn't get enough numbing stuff the first time and then he hit a blood vessel. Once that was done though I was feeling great! In no longer felt the contractions.
They came to check me later and found out I was fully dilated and completely effaced. They didn't want me to push though. Just told me to chill. Finally around midnight, they decided to have me try pushing. Nothing happened so they came back closer to one. I couldn't feel my legs at all, but they kept wanting me to move a bunch. Was kind of annoying. I kept trying to push, but I couldn't feel anything at all so I had no idea if I was pushing or not. After two hours of the straight pushing, I had given up. I didn't feel like I was making any progress and I just broke into crying after every push.
When I came in, I didn't want a c-section, but at that point it was all I wanted. Luckily, they agreed that it was the best idea, as well. I also knew that if I went in for a c-section that I wanted to have my tubes tied at the same time. When I told the nurse/doctor person this, she refused. She said that the person who signed off on having my tubes tied was only a medical researcher and shouldn't have done that and that it was a decision I had only made two days ago. I informed her that it was not a last minute decision, that my first and only appointment had been two days ago and that's why the consent form had been signed that late. Previously, I had been going to Lisa Ross and they knew long before that I wanted it done. From this point, I had two people telling me all about the regret, the regret, the regret. I HATED being pregnant and had NO intention of doing it again. Maybe some people regret the decision and want a half dozen kids, but that is not for me. The person told me that she would ask the head surgeon because she herself did not feel comfortable tying tubes after someone's first child.
They took me into the surgical room and I heard someone say that the tubes were being done, as well. So I was quite happy to hear that the head surgeon had sided with me. I was kind of out of it at this point. I was awake and had a general sense of what was going on, but felt like it was the craziest medicine head ever.
Bryan came in and they got started. Shortly after, I heard the baby's first cry and couldn't help but smile. They showed him to us. He was huge. Someone said to me, "No wonder you couldn't push him out! He's a toddler!" They took him over to get cleaned up and weighed. He weighed in at 9lbs 15oz, an ounce short of 10lbs. A lot different from the ultrasounds at either place.
They took care of my tubes and then stapled me up and sent me to recovery. I knew that Sylar was in the area next to me, but I couldn't see him because of a curtain. Finally, someone moved it so I could see him. We tried breastfeeding and only got a little milk. He also had no intention of latching onto the breast. They did a blood sugar test on him and found his sugar was extremely low. Since I wasn't producing enough milk, they had to get a bottle of formula and get him eating. Then they rushed him off to the NICU. I was extremely bummed about not being able to have him with me, but I was also exhausted. They took me to a recovery room.
The time after that is kind of a blur now. There was lots of pain, lots of visitors, lots of pills, and very little sleep. I was discharged three days after the c-section and Sylar was able to come home a day after that. He has been doing very well and I'm trying to adjust to motherhood. I'm failing pretty badly at it, but at least I try. That's issues for another blog though.
I was supposed to go in at 5:30 in the morning and be given a drug that was part of a trial to induce labor. (Just for knowledge, it was a drug that has been used for years as an induction method. They just changed the way it is administered. Therefore it is going through a trial phase.) I got a call the night before and a nurse told me to call before I came in because they were backed up with deliveries. So at 3:30am I called to check and the nurse said she would call me when they were ready. A little after 6:00am I got the call so we headed in.
Once we got into the labor room and I got hooked up, the first of many complications began. As it just so happens, I was already having contractions. That seems like it would be a good thing. However, because the contractions were being so consistent, they couldn't give me the trial drug to induce labor. Because of the way it's used, if it caused the contractions to come on to fast or too strong, they wouldn't be able to stop it immediately like they could with pitocin. I was told I could either go home and wait to go into active labor on my own or to go ahead and take the pit. As much as I didn't want to do that, I didn't want to wait after getting myself all psyched up for that day. So on pitocin I went.
Contractions got stronger. I could feel them, but they were not painful. I wasn't progressing quickly enough though so they decided to break my water. That was another thing I was hoping to avoid, having that done manually. Oh, well. When they came in to do it, I didn't even know. I thought I was just being cathed, but it was incredibly painful and I didn't understand why. I broke down into tears quickly. It wasn't until I felt the water that I realized what was going on. Afterwards the pain subsided and I returned to normal.
They did insert internal monitors. Again, something I didn't want, but that was required. It wasn't long after they broke the water that the contractions got really bad. I knew I was not going to be able to make it without drugs. I kicked everyone out of the room except for Bryan. I wanted to get the epidural without anyone trying to talk me out of it. I called for the epidural guy (who, by the way, is extremely nice) and asked to get drugged up. There were a few minor complications with that. Didn't get enough numbing stuff the first time and then he hit a blood vessel. Once that was done though I was feeling great! In no longer felt the contractions.
They came to check me later and found out I was fully dilated and completely effaced. They didn't want me to push though. Just told me to chill. Finally around midnight, they decided to have me try pushing. Nothing happened so they came back closer to one. I couldn't feel my legs at all, but they kept wanting me to move a bunch. Was kind of annoying. I kept trying to push, but I couldn't feel anything at all so I had no idea if I was pushing or not. After two hours of the straight pushing, I had given up. I didn't feel like I was making any progress and I just broke into crying after every push.
When I came in, I didn't want a c-section, but at that point it was all I wanted. Luckily, they agreed that it was the best idea, as well. I also knew that if I went in for a c-section that I wanted to have my tubes tied at the same time. When I told the nurse/doctor person this, she refused. She said that the person who signed off on having my tubes tied was only a medical researcher and shouldn't have done that and that it was a decision I had only made two days ago. I informed her that it was not a last minute decision, that my first and only appointment had been two days ago and that's why the consent form had been signed that late. Previously, I had been going to Lisa Ross and they knew long before that I wanted it done. From this point, I had two people telling me all about the regret, the regret, the regret. I HATED being pregnant and had NO intention of doing it again. Maybe some people regret the decision and want a half dozen kids, but that is not for me. The person told me that she would ask the head surgeon because she herself did not feel comfortable tying tubes after someone's first child.
They took me into the surgical room and I heard someone say that the tubes were being done, as well. So I was quite happy to hear that the head surgeon had sided with me. I was kind of out of it at this point. I was awake and had a general sense of what was going on, but felt like it was the craziest medicine head ever.
Bryan came in and they got started. Shortly after, I heard the baby's first cry and couldn't help but smile. They showed him to us. He was huge. Someone said to me, "No wonder you couldn't push him out! He's a toddler!" They took him over to get cleaned up and weighed. He weighed in at 9lbs 15oz, an ounce short of 10lbs. A lot different from the ultrasounds at either place.
They took care of my tubes and then stapled me up and sent me to recovery. I knew that Sylar was in the area next to me, but I couldn't see him because of a curtain. Finally, someone moved it so I could see him. We tried breastfeeding and only got a little milk. He also had no intention of latching onto the breast. They did a blood sugar test on him and found his sugar was extremely low. Since I wasn't producing enough milk, they had to get a bottle of formula and get him eating. Then they rushed him off to the NICU. I was extremely bummed about not being able to have him with me, but I was also exhausted. They took me to a recovery room.
The time after that is kind of a blur now. There was lots of pain, lots of visitors, lots of pills, and very little sleep. I was discharged three days after the c-section and Sylar was able to come home a day after that. He has been doing very well and I'm trying to adjust to motherhood. I'm failing pretty badly at it, but at least I try. That's issues for another blog though.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Things I Will Enjoy About Not Being Pregnant
Well, I had my appointment at UT yesterday. I was pissed beyond measure as they had set up the appointment as having me meet with the gestational diabetes counselor. They said since I didn’t have my blood sugar numbers and that being the only reason I came, I could leave. I informed them that I was not there to see the gestational diabetes counselor, that I was supposed to see a doctor about birthing in the hospital since the Lisa Ross Center kicked me out. I had told them that whenever I called and made the appointment so I’m not sure how they messed that up.
Anyways, the receptionist told me to wait and she would talk to someone. After fifteen minutes or so, she came back and said they had agreed to see me, but that it would be a few minutes. So I said okay and waited…for an hour. Finally I was called to check in and then waited for a while longer. Finally, I was brought back for an ultrasound. I loved it because the ultrasound nurse estimated his weight at 7lbs 14oz. The week before at Lisa Ross they estimated his weight at 8lb 6oz. One of the main reasons they removed me from their practice was because he was getting so big and they were worried about shoulder dystocia. Obviously, he’s not as big as they think and as I found out, shoulder dystocia is impossible to predict and more often happens in perfectly healthy women with normal weight babies. So that just made me all the more upset with them for taking away my chance to labor in the water.
After the ultrasound, I met with the doctor. He decided to have my possible dilation checked and said we would schedule a time to get the baby out from there. A girl came to check me and said I was still only 1 cm, possibly 2 cm, and only 40% effaced. She returned shortly and said the induction was scheduled for Friday at 5:30 am. I was shocked that it was going to happen so soon. I figured I would have like a week advanced notice or something. So that means I go in tomorrow. Though I am very excited to finally end this pregnancy, I feel completely unprepared and nervous. To help myself focus on good things, I have made a list of things I will enjoy about not being pregnant anymore. So, for my sanity and your entertainment, here it is.
THINGS I WILL ENJOY ABOUT NOT BEING PREGNANT
-Losing the belly
-Sitting in a booth at a restaurant
-Not having to pee all the time
-Not waking up to roll over in bed
-My hands not going numb
-Wearing my wedding rings on my hand
-Getting massaged while laying on my stomach/back
-Bending over and standing up without pain
-Not constantly sweating
-No or at least less back pain
-Getting to look attractive to my husband again
-Not having awkward sex
-Keeping up when walking with other people
-Not discovering some new pregnancy symptom no one mentioned
-Having motivation to move around and clean the house
-Going on amusement park rides
-Legs not being swollen
-Being able to lift heavy items
-Taking OTC medicine when I need it
-Actually falling asleep when I lay down to sleep
-Easily reaching all parts of my body for shaving/washing
-Taking a steaming, almost too hot, bubble bath with salts for aches and pains
-Having a baby to love and play with
So there it is. I have all that to look forward to after he finally arrives. Yay!
Kicked Out By The Midwives
At 37 weeks, the midwife center I was going to birth at decided that I couldn't birth there because of possible complications. Since they were an hour away from home, I didn't mind b/c I could just birth at my local hospital. They had me sign a records release and told me to call my local OB's office asap so they could get my records that day and schedule my appointment. The birthing center scheduled me another appointment just in case I couldn't get in quickly at the new place.
I called the local OB’s office that day and they sent in the request for my records for the OB to look over and they would call me to set-up the appointment. I called a few days later and they said they hadn't received my records. I called the birthing center and they said they would send them right over. The day of my next appointment I found out they still had not sent the records. Apparently, they needed a midwife's signature on some test results before they could be sent. I don’t know why that was not taken care of the day they told me to have the new office request the records.
I called the local OB’s office that day and they sent in the request for my records for the OB to look over and they would call me to set-up the appointment. I called a few days later and they said they hadn't received my records. I called the birthing center and they said they would send them right over. The day of my next appointment I found out they still had not sent the records. Apparently, they needed a midwife's signature on some test results before they could be sent. I don’t know why that was not taken care of the day they told me to have the new office request the records.
Anyways, after my appointment there, rather than faxing the records, they copied them and gave me the copies to hand deliver to the other office. So, they gave me a chore. Thanks.
I went straight to the new office and dropped off the records and they said they would call me the next day. The next day the new office called to say that they could not take me on as a patient. I was tearing up before I even got off the phone and as soon as I hung up I just started bawling. I was now 38 weeks pregnant and had no doctor.
I called a handful of offices and they all said they could not take on a patient so late in the pregnancy. I finally broke down and called the UT Medical Center that had a high risk department. I had been seeing a nutritionist there for my gestational diabetes. I hated the place though so they were a last resort. They did agree to see me. So I have an appointment…in another week and they said if I go into labor before then just to come straight there.
I am really pissed at the midwife center for deciding so late in the pregnancy that I wasn’t a suitable patient. They knew all my risk factors from the beginning. I could have been going to the local OB the whole time and saving money in gas and not getting my hopes up for laboring in the water.
Because nothing (and I literally mean NOTHING) in this whole pregnancy has gone the way I hoped, I am very worried about the birth and about breastfeeding. I wanted a drug-free, natural birth, but I know the hospital is going to try to push drugs on me and I’m not sure I will be strong enough to say no. Of course, if the baby does get stuck, not having an epidural will allow for me to move to get him out rather than having to be cut. Or, even worse, I will have to have a c-section.
And so far, I have not started producing any breast milk. My mom didn’t make enough for me when I was born so I’m super afraid that I won’t be able to breastfeed which I had planned on doing for the first nine months. Breastfeeding is better for the baby, will save money, and was supposed to be the first thing to help me on my quest to lose 100 pounds in a year.
Guess I will just have to wait and see.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Husband Is Not Evil
So my husband was feeling very attacked here, but that is not the purpose of this site. Also, in case I did not make it totally clear, the plan to make myself look porn star good did not come from Bryan. It was my idea. He never asked me to do this. I did, however, have to share the background that led to my decision and it was because of his actions (or lack thereof) that my depression grew as it did. That is not something that can be disputed.
((So, honey, sorry if that upsets you that I put that out there, but I'm not going to sugarcoat the truth.))
Anyway, Bryan did say that the site makes him seem like such a bad guy because I never mention anything good he does. So to try to be fair I told him I would write a blog and mention some of the good things.
1. He gives me a hug and kiss before he leaves in the morning.
2. He gives me a hug and kiss when he gets home.
3. He works 40 hours a week and does website development from home so I can be a stay-at-home mom. (though sometimes he does spend too much time on the computer)
4. About 98% of the time, he makes dinner.
5. He let me get everything I wanted for the baby, even when I changed my mind a dozen times about what exactly I wanted.
6. He doesn't get mad when I zone out during his work stories.
7. He still loves me even though I became approximately the size of a beached whale and developed more mental issues than I knew I could handle.
8. We share a similar sense of humor.
9. He's been working on being more open and having an adult conversation by using words rather than silence.
10. He married me.
11. He puts up with my dogs even though he's not fond of them.
So that's what I got. When he does nice things, I will try to remember to put them on here so people don't think he's evil incarnate.
((So, honey, sorry if that upsets you that I put that out there, but I'm not going to sugarcoat the truth.))
Anyway, Bryan did say that the site makes him seem like such a bad guy because I never mention anything good he does. So to try to be fair I told him I would write a blog and mention some of the good things.
1. He gives me a hug and kiss before he leaves in the morning.
2. He gives me a hug and kiss when he gets home.
3. He works 40 hours a week and does website development from home so I can be a stay-at-home mom. (though sometimes he does spend too much time on the computer)
4. About 98% of the time, he makes dinner.
5. He let me get everything I wanted for the baby, even when I changed my mind a dozen times about what exactly I wanted.
6. He doesn't get mad when I zone out during his work stories.
7. He still loves me even though I became approximately the size of a beached whale and developed more mental issues than I knew I could handle.
8. We share a similar sense of humor.
9. He's been working on being more open and having an adult conversation by using words rather than silence.
10. He married me.
11. He puts up with my dogs even though he's not fond of them.
So that's what I got. When he does nice things, I will try to remember to put them on here so people don't think he's evil incarnate.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Pregnancy Still Not Going as Planned
Most women have an idea of how they want their pregnancy, labor, and delivery to go. No complications, just typical pregnancy angst and a pain-prevention method and delivery style of their choice. I believe that is the idea. This has not happened for me. This pregnancy has been wrong from the beginning. I believe I might have someone else's pregnancy.
My plan was to have a girl and to have her in the water at the midwife birthing center. I have always said that if I ever got pregnant I would want a water birth. It was the one thing I was adamant about. Well, due to my fertility specialist putting me on Metformin, the midwife sent me to UT Medical Hospital High Risk Obstetrics to have me checked for gestational diabetes. Due to some fluke fasting numbers (and the desire for my money), UT decided I did indeed have gestational diabetes and that I needed to be on Glyburide.
For those that don't know, if you have gestational diabetes then you cannot have a water birth. They told me I could still labor in the water though so I decided it was an okay settlement. I also found out that I am positive for Group B Strep. I don't know much about it other than it means that I will have to have antibiotics administered by IV during labor. Yay. And, of course, as we know I am having a boy. I cried on and off for three days over the fact. I am still not thrilled about it and every time I have an ultrasound I hope to hear that they were wrong. I will hope until the day it's finally born that he will actually be a she. After that I will just hope he turns out to be ultra-feminine.
So up until this point, I've not been a happy camper per se. However, I was okay with the settling I had done and was content to carry on. Then yesterday happened. I went to my midwife appointment as usual. I met with the director of the place who was one of only two midwives available that day. She told me that it was a pretty unanimous decision that I have a hospital delivery due to the possible complications.
{sigh}
At this point, I was in extreme pain from SPD (symphysis pubis dysfunction) which the midwife brushed off as round ligament pain that I couldn't do anything about, and I'd already compromised the way I wanted my delivery to be in every possible way so I didn't care. I asked if I could birth in my town rather than drive an hour to their nearest hospital. She said the only issue would be that there was no way a midwife could come assist at a birth in my town. However, she also said with them being so short-handed the possibility of having a midwife be able to attend my delivery if I went up there was still slim.
I'm 37 weeks today and I really don't care where or how he comes just that he does. I want him out of me. This whole pregnancy has been hell and I want to move past it. I want to start feeling comfortable again. I want to be attractive again. I can do that a lot easier as a mom than I can as a pregnant chick. Haha!
My plan was to have a girl and to have her in the water at the midwife birthing center. I have always said that if I ever got pregnant I would want a water birth. It was the one thing I was adamant about. Well, due to my fertility specialist putting me on Metformin, the midwife sent me to UT Medical Hospital High Risk Obstetrics to have me checked for gestational diabetes. Due to some fluke fasting numbers (and the desire for my money), UT decided I did indeed have gestational diabetes and that I needed to be on Glyburide.
For those that don't know, if you have gestational diabetes then you cannot have a water birth. They told me I could still labor in the water though so I decided it was an okay settlement. I also found out that I am positive for Group B Strep. I don't know much about it other than it means that I will have to have antibiotics administered by IV during labor. Yay. And, of course, as we know I am having a boy. I cried on and off for three days over the fact. I am still not thrilled about it and every time I have an ultrasound I hope to hear that they were wrong. I will hope until the day it's finally born that he will actually be a she. After that I will just hope he turns out to be ultra-feminine.
So up until this point, I've not been a happy camper per se. However, I was okay with the settling I had done and was content to carry on. Then yesterday happened. I went to my midwife appointment as usual. I met with the director of the place who was one of only two midwives available that day. She told me that it was a pretty unanimous decision that I have a hospital delivery due to the possible complications.
{sigh}
At this point, I was in extreme pain from SPD (symphysis pubis dysfunction) which the midwife brushed off as round ligament pain that I couldn't do anything about, and I'd already compromised the way I wanted my delivery to be in every possible way so I didn't care. I asked if I could birth in my town rather than drive an hour to their nearest hospital. She said the only issue would be that there was no way a midwife could come assist at a birth in my town. However, she also said with them being so short-handed the possibility of having a midwife be able to attend my delivery if I went up there was still slim.
I'm 37 weeks today and I really don't care where or how he comes just that he does. I want him out of me. This whole pregnancy has been hell and I want to move past it. I want to start feeling comfortable again. I want to be attractive again. I can do that a lot easier as a mom than I can as a pregnant chick. Haha!
Friday, July 29, 2011
Preparing Is Not The Same as Being There
I'm writing this at 11:20pm on July 28th, twenty-seven days until the baby's due date. I know I have the plans to look like Bryan's perfect woman, but that doesn't mean I don't want to feel attractive and desired, at least a little bit, now. I know I am disgusting and ugly, but that doesn't make the continuing rejection hurt any less.
Last week I told Bryan that I would like sex at least once a week because it could help the baby come sooner. There has still been nothing though. I truly thought I might get some just for the fact that it would speed me toward the ultimate goal of being what he prefers. I guess his disgust for me now outweighs his desire for what I will be.
In another attempt to get some satisfaction, I had started wearing a black night gown without a bra to bed. It's really loose at the top so it's easy for a breast to slip into view. I was hoping to get an arousal out of Bryan that way. I realized tonight how stupid that was. I must have looked completely ridiculous. My breasts are not sexy right now and no matter what I wear or do I'm still going to have this giant, repulsive, pregnant belly. I'm writing this in the baby's room. I assume Bryan is asleep. I got out of bed and went to the bathroom to change clothes. I'm so upset with myself. The first night I put on that gown I thought I looked sexy. I felt sexy. I know better now.
I actually Googled today "how to trick your husband into sex," I didn't find much useful info. All I found were articles about how husbands don't get enough sex and how they can try to get some from their wives. Most husbands are just willing and ready for it. Bryan asked what I was looking at and I debated on not telling him. However, I thought it might help if he knew that I was looking for any possible way to get him to have sex with me. I'm wrong a lot these days.
Maybe I'm just being selfish. If I were in his shoes I probably wouldn't want to do me either. I'm truly hideous. I'm starting to feel numb and it scares me. I could never take my own life, mind you! Not at all, especially when I'm still pregnant, but the thought of hurting myself seems to enter my mind more and more these days. Like becoming a cutter would give me something else to focus on. I've never admitted that before, not even on paper. However, I believe other woman have gone through this and will go through this and I don't want them to think those kinds of dark thoughts are not normal or that they are the only one to think such things. When it's repeatedly reinforced in your mind that you are repulsive and unworthy of love then losing feeling becomes a defense mechanism, but we're human so we crave feeling in any way.
I did try some trickery tonight before I completely gave up. After realizing nothing was going to happen and feeling hurt, again, I thought about starting to sleep on the couch as a possible way to avoid rejection by avoiding the chance for intimacy. By making it my own decision I can pretend to myself that it's for comfort, instead of because I'm so hurt. I decided to see if I could get Bryan to hold me or hug me or something because then maybe, just maybe, it could lead to something more. I told him I was going to lay on the couch tomorrow and that if it seemed more comfortable I was going to start sleeping there. This is where I expected the hug and was hoping for him to express his desire for me to continue sleeping in our room, in our bed. He just said, "Okay." So I tried another tact, I said, "It would be good for when the baby's here. That way you could sleep instead of being woken up by him." So now I'm hoping to play on a little guilt I guess. I'm hoping for him to say I should sleep with the baby in the room like we planned because he's okay with being woken up by our child. Instead I got a, "Huh? What?" That irritated me a bit. I asked, "What do you mean what?" He replied, "You said something would be good, something about the baby, but I don't know what." I was beyond exasperated at this point. I was like, "I JUST said it!" He said, "Well, I guess I missed that part." Exasperation gave way to anger. "YOU AGREED TO IT! Why would agree to something when you don't even know what I said?!?" He stammered for a moment then fell silent. As if I didn't already feel worthless, now I know he couldn't care less what I'm saying when talking to him.
I hate that it's so hard to not cry. I hate feeling this way. I hate that I love my husband so much that every time he makes me feel like shit, hurts me so bad that I retreat to another room to cry for an hour and to wonder over what I have done in my life to deserve to feel like such a loser, I just end up wanting to try all that much harder to be what he wants. I hate myself. I really do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That took a while to recover from. I've been crying almost the whole time I've been writing, but that's the hardest I've cried in months. I went through a lot of tissues.
I hope the couch ends up being comfortable. Either way I'm sure I'll cry dozens of more times over the next twenty-seven days as Bryan continues along his merry way, ignoring my needs, oblivious to the fact that he makes me wish I did not exist, not seeing that even though I have a plan in place for after the baby is here that I still feel hurt and it's twice as bad. He knows I will do this for him! When I start working out, I want to push myself every time until I'm about to die. I mean, worst case scenario I actually do die, but even then at least I wouldn't feel like I do now so worst case scenario is not that bad. However, that's not enough to make him suck it up for a few weeks and try to make me appreciate being alive. I'm kind of scared that he will never be able to look past right now, that no matter how I try to look, he'll never be able to see me as anything but this horrific blob, that our sex life will never resume and that he will leave me or at least cheat on me with some chick that he meets online or at work. I try not to dwell on that thought much though. I have to have hope that if I meet his standards he will quit giving so much of his sexual attention to the internet porn and decide he'd rather act out porn with me.
I've got a really rough next six months coming up. Lots more rejections to deal with, have to learn to be a mother, and have to start working out like mad. I'm sure I'll make it though. I have this year to lose 100 pounds and I want to play the whole thing out and see what happens. You all will get to find out, too, as I continue to blog about this transformation.
Last week I told Bryan that I would like sex at least once a week because it could help the baby come sooner. There has still been nothing though. I truly thought I might get some just for the fact that it would speed me toward the ultimate goal of being what he prefers. I guess his disgust for me now outweighs his desire for what I will be.
In another attempt to get some satisfaction, I had started wearing a black night gown without a bra to bed. It's really loose at the top so it's easy for a breast to slip into view. I was hoping to get an arousal out of Bryan that way. I realized tonight how stupid that was. I must have looked completely ridiculous. My breasts are not sexy right now and no matter what I wear or do I'm still going to have this giant, repulsive, pregnant belly. I'm writing this in the baby's room. I assume Bryan is asleep. I got out of bed and went to the bathroom to change clothes. I'm so upset with myself. The first night I put on that gown I thought I looked sexy. I felt sexy. I know better now.
I actually Googled today "how to trick your husband into sex," I didn't find much useful info. All I found were articles about how husbands don't get enough sex and how they can try to get some from their wives. Most husbands are just willing and ready for it. Bryan asked what I was looking at and I debated on not telling him. However, I thought it might help if he knew that I was looking for any possible way to get him to have sex with me. I'm wrong a lot these days.
Maybe I'm just being selfish. If I were in his shoes I probably wouldn't want to do me either. I'm truly hideous. I'm starting to feel numb and it scares me. I could never take my own life, mind you! Not at all, especially when I'm still pregnant, but the thought of hurting myself seems to enter my mind more and more these days. Like becoming a cutter would give me something else to focus on. I've never admitted that before, not even on paper. However, I believe other woman have gone through this and will go through this and I don't want them to think those kinds of dark thoughts are not normal or that they are the only one to think such things. When it's repeatedly reinforced in your mind that you are repulsive and unworthy of love then losing feeling becomes a defense mechanism, but we're human so we crave feeling in any way.
I did try some trickery tonight before I completely gave up. After realizing nothing was going to happen and feeling hurt, again, I thought about starting to sleep on the couch as a possible way to avoid rejection by avoiding the chance for intimacy. By making it my own decision I can pretend to myself that it's for comfort, instead of because I'm so hurt. I decided to see if I could get Bryan to hold me or hug me or something because then maybe, just maybe, it could lead to something more. I told him I was going to lay on the couch tomorrow and that if it seemed more comfortable I was going to start sleeping there. This is where I expected the hug and was hoping for him to express his desire for me to continue sleeping in our room, in our bed. He just said, "Okay." So I tried another tact, I said, "It would be good for when the baby's here. That way you could sleep instead of being woken up by him." So now I'm hoping to play on a little guilt I guess. I'm hoping for him to say I should sleep with the baby in the room like we planned because he's okay with being woken up by our child. Instead I got a, "Huh? What?" That irritated me a bit. I asked, "What do you mean what?" He replied, "You said something would be good, something about the baby, but I don't know what." I was beyond exasperated at this point. I was like, "I JUST said it!" He said, "Well, I guess I missed that part." Exasperation gave way to anger. "YOU AGREED TO IT! Why would agree to something when you don't even know what I said?!?" He stammered for a moment then fell silent. As if I didn't already feel worthless, now I know he couldn't care less what I'm saying when talking to him.
I hate that it's so hard to not cry. I hate feeling this way. I hate that I love my husband so much that every time he makes me feel like shit, hurts me so bad that I retreat to another room to cry for an hour and to wonder over what I have done in my life to deserve to feel like such a loser, I just end up wanting to try all that much harder to be what he wants. I hate myself. I really do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That took a while to recover from. I've been crying almost the whole time I've been writing, but that's the hardest I've cried in months. I went through a lot of tissues.
I hope the couch ends up being comfortable. Either way I'm sure I'll cry dozens of more times over the next twenty-seven days as Bryan continues along his merry way, ignoring my needs, oblivious to the fact that he makes me wish I did not exist, not seeing that even though I have a plan in place for after the baby is here that I still feel hurt and it's twice as bad. He knows I will do this for him! When I start working out, I want to push myself every time until I'm about to die. I mean, worst case scenario I actually do die, but even then at least I wouldn't feel like I do now so worst case scenario is not that bad. However, that's not enough to make him suck it up for a few weeks and try to make me appreciate being alive. I'm kind of scared that he will never be able to look past right now, that no matter how I try to look, he'll never be able to see me as anything but this horrific blob, that our sex life will never resume and that he will leave me or at least cheat on me with some chick that he meets online or at work. I try not to dwell on that thought much though. I have to have hope that if I meet his standards he will quit giving so much of his sexual attention to the internet porn and decide he'd rather act out porn with me.
I've got a really rough next six months coming up. Lots more rejections to deal with, have to learn to be a mother, and have to start working out like mad. I'm sure I'll make it though. I have this year to lose 100 pounds and I want to play the whole thing out and see what happens. You all will get to find out, too, as I continue to blog about this transformation.
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