I have hopes for my son's future. I feel like I didn't have a lot of advantages when I was younger so I want to give him every possible head start on life that I can give him. There is a place in Knoxville that teaches tumbling starting at 18 months. He will be going there for as long a he likes it. I also want to get him into dance once he is older. I have always wanted a little girl to pagaent with, but if he was interested, we'd get him a suit and go looking for a pagaent with a Little Prince or Little Mister division for him to compete in.
I'm a firm believer in pagaents being good for a child. This stems mainly from my life experiences. When I was little, one of my cousins who was a couple years older than I did pagaents. I did not. I'm not sure why my mom didn't try me out in pagaents. I was very envious of my cousin though. She got to dress up like a princess. She got to ride on a convertible in our local parade. More importantly though, through pagaenting she learned to be out-going and self-confident. Those are two qualitis that you should want your child to learn as early as possible. It will affect the rest of their life.
My cousin went on to be extremely popular in school. She was involved in many extracurricular activities. People just knew who she was. I never had the opportunities she did to learn these qualities. I was shy and withdrawn. Never was popular. I received quite a lot of teasing and bullying because of that fact. I ws not in the "in" crowd so myself and the few friends I had were easy targets. That was mainly during elementary school...the time of a child's life that teaches a child what to expect in the future. It did teach me what to expect so when highschool came around my friends and I worked to stay invisble. If anyone was asked we were probably still considered "losers," but we were left alone. When I moved to Tennessee, it was even better. The highschool I went to was huge and no one knew me. So it was easy to be invisible.
Being invisble is not a life though. It keeps you from trying anything. If you have some kind of talent the last thing you want to do is show it. That would simply draw attention to yourself and I was taught in elementary school, attention brings ridicule and bullying. Until I became an adult and finally found confidence in myself, I didn't realize the potential I had. My life could have been so much more.
I don't want Sylar to live like that. I want him to be in the "in" crowd, but have the ability to recognize a bully and stand up to one. I want to give him the ability to be out-going, make friends from any walk of life, and to want to discover all his potential and all his talent and be happy to show the world what he can do. That's a good hope, right?
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Therapy and Puppy Spaying in the Future
I had my first appointment with the therapy center today. It was just called an "intake appointment." So I didn't actually get any therapy. It was just filling out paperwork and answering questions. My first real therapy appointment is October 4th. I'm kind of annoyed about having to wait that long after having to wait like three weeks for this appointment, but at least I have the hope that my depression won't forever rule my life.
Next week, I'm taking my puppy to the vet to get spayed. I'm a bit nervous about it. I have had four dogs fixed, but one was such a bad experience that it really scares me everytime. There was many issues surrounding that incident though. I took her to Fix-A-Pet (yes, it's a real place) because they offered low-cost spay and neutering and considering that was their primary reason for existing I assumed they would be good at it.
She was still too drugged up for me to take home, but they convinced me she was fine. She could not control her own body. I had her in the back seat on the ride home and somehow her head slipped under my seat and got stuck. I was in hysterics. The only thing I could do was pull her out by her tail. I felt terrible doing it and I didn't want to disrupt her stitches, but at least I got her out.
After that she slept, but then that night she just stayed awake and cried. I gave her a tranquilizer they gave me, but it didn't seem to help. She would try to stand and her front leg just crumbled beneath her. This happened repeatedly and her leg really seemed to bother her. I called Fix-A-Pet, but they were completely useless saying nothing was wrong with her. Bryan and I took her to the emergency vet. The tranquilzer apparently kicked in for the ride there. She just layed in the back of the car with whichever one of us was back there with her. The vet said she was super-dehydrated so they loaded her up with fluids and gave her pain medication. They told me that the vet that treated her should have given me pain medication along with the tranquilzer for her. They offered to keep her overnight, but I knew that the bill was going to be astronomical as was so we opted to take her home. It took a few days, but she did finally get to a fairly normal state again. I was so scared that night though.
I have since then only used my normal vet. The extra cost is worth the health and safety of my pets. However, I do wait until the last possible hour to pick my pet up that way as much as the anesthetic as possible will be wore off. It also means if any problems do arise within the hours after her surgery, she will be in the vet's office already and it can be addressed immediately.
So wish me and my little Skye lots of luck that we both survive! I do love my animals very much. :)
Next week, I'm taking my puppy to the vet to get spayed. I'm a bit nervous about it. I have had four dogs fixed, but one was such a bad experience that it really scares me everytime. There was many issues surrounding that incident though. I took her to Fix-A-Pet (yes, it's a real place) because they offered low-cost spay and neutering and considering that was their primary reason for existing I assumed they would be good at it.
She was still too drugged up for me to take home, but they convinced me she was fine. She could not control her own body. I had her in the back seat on the ride home and somehow her head slipped under my seat and got stuck. I was in hysterics. The only thing I could do was pull her out by her tail. I felt terrible doing it and I didn't want to disrupt her stitches, but at least I got her out.
After that she slept, but then that night she just stayed awake and cried. I gave her a tranquilizer they gave me, but it didn't seem to help. She would try to stand and her front leg just crumbled beneath her. This happened repeatedly and her leg really seemed to bother her. I called Fix-A-Pet, but they were completely useless saying nothing was wrong with her. Bryan and I took her to the emergency vet. The tranquilzer apparently kicked in for the ride there. She just layed in the back of the car with whichever one of us was back there with her. The vet said she was super-dehydrated so they loaded her up with fluids and gave her pain medication. They told me that the vet that treated her should have given me pain medication along with the tranquilzer for her. They offered to keep her overnight, but I knew that the bill was going to be astronomical as was so we opted to take her home. It took a few days, but she did finally get to a fairly normal state again. I was so scared that night though.
I have since then only used my normal vet. The extra cost is worth the health and safety of my pets. However, I do wait until the last possible hour to pick my pet up that way as much as the anesthetic as possible will be wore off. It also means if any problems do arise within the hours after her surgery, she will be in the vet's office already and it can be addressed immediately.
So wish me and my little Skye lots of luck that we both survive! I do love my animals very much. :)
Monday, September 19, 2011
Good News All Around!
A week after my first shot at the weight loss clinic, I have lost 7lbs! Yay! I know it might not always come off that quickly so I'm relishing this small victory.
Bryan and I had a good heart-to-heart recently. We have been fighting so much lately and it was really starting to wear me down. It seemed like everyday I was ready to kick him to the curb. Getting bitched at by me over every little thing was not easy on him either. Naturally, he started reacting in a negative way so the fights only escalated. I tried to initiate the conversation many times, but Bryan refused to believe we had any issues simply because we couldn't name exactly what they were. So we just kept on doing the same thing. Being...miserable.
The heart-to-heart covered a lot and really got to the root of the depression I have been dealing with since the pregnancy. The sexual rejection during my pregnancy led to the complete obliteration of my confidence. The lack of any kind of positive attention drove me down further. The depression cause me to be bitter and resentful of both the baby and Bryan. The hatefulness led to me lashing out over every little thing. I was hurting and my husband didn't seem to care so I wanted to cause hurt back. Supposedly, he is going to work on showing me through both words and ACTIONS how much he loves me and wants me.
So far has been going well. Just have to hope it keeps up. This is the closest we have gotten to where we were when we first started really falling for each other so I think we have a good chance. :)
Bryan and I had a good heart-to-heart recently. We have been fighting so much lately and it was really starting to wear me down. It seemed like everyday I was ready to kick him to the curb. Getting bitched at by me over every little thing was not easy on him either. Naturally, he started reacting in a negative way so the fights only escalated. I tried to initiate the conversation many times, but Bryan refused to believe we had any issues simply because we couldn't name exactly what they were. So we just kept on doing the same thing. Being...miserable.
The heart-to-heart covered a lot and really got to the root of the depression I have been dealing with since the pregnancy. The sexual rejection during my pregnancy led to the complete obliteration of my confidence. The lack of any kind of positive attention drove me down further. The depression cause me to be bitter and resentful of both the baby and Bryan. The hatefulness led to me lashing out over every little thing. I was hurting and my husband didn't seem to care so I wanted to cause hurt back. Supposedly, he is going to work on showing me through both words and ACTIONS how much he loves me and wants me.
So far has been going well. Just have to hope it keeps up. This is the closest we have gotten to where we were when we first started really falling for each other so I think we have a good chance. :)
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Depression Meets Determination: What happens when an immovable object meets an unstoppable force?
Well, depression followed me out of pregnancy and into the postpartum time. I was really hoping it wouldn't, but no such luck. I feel like all the horrible things about my pregnancy, from the many medical issues to the rejection from Bryan, have all manifested into this soulless creature that hates me and wants me to kill myself. I have never had the thought of death in my mind as much as I had over the past couple weeks. I have never gone over the many possible ways to end my own life so often.
I have set up an appointment with a therapist. Goodness knows there is a ton I could talk about. I'm not even sure where to start. Do I start at the beginning with the problems trying to get pregnant? Do I start with my extreme disappointment over having a boy? Do I start at the birth? Or just last night when he woke me up and didn't want to burp or eat, only wanted to scream until I again brought the thoughts of death to the forefront of my mind.
I do okay during the day. I have learned that with the TV in front of me I can just zone out when he starts screaming. I still go through the motions of trying to comfort him, but I focus my mind on the images on the screen. I basically do what I can to check out mentally. Without my mind involved, I'm not there to react in a negative way. Well, I'm not there to react in any way, but I guess no positive is better than any negative.
To add to my depression, after trying on many pairs of jeans at multiple stores, I realized that there are no pants that will fit me. I have a huge skin flap hanging on my stomach. I have to get jeans in a huge size to accommodate that flap, but then the jeans are too big on my butt and legs. I looked like a blob in everything. The things that actually fit my legs and butt well, would of course not button up. It was horrible. I worked really hard not to cry about it. It occurred to me that it actually was a skin flap. It was not something I was going to be able to work off. It was just always going to be there, ruining any chance I had of reaching my goal.
I researched online and everyone was in agreement that the only way to get rid of that skin flap was to get a tummy tuck. It's expensive. Definitely more than we would be able to save in a year, but there is a possibility of getting insurance to cover it if the skin flap is causing problems such as a yeast infection. That's exactly what happened with me. The incision got a yeast infection on it because of the skin flap covering it up. So I'm hoping that I will get some helpful information when I go for my six-week postpartum visit.
I will have to wait many months. I know that and that sucks, but the surgeons want you at decent weight. Also, you heal faster when you are in better shape. So I will have lots of working out to do, but rest assured when I get the okay I will be diving into it. Mom has me set up with a weight loss clinic to get shots that are supposed to help "melt the fat," and after I get the okay I can get medications from them to help minimize my appetite. (I've not had much of an appetite lately, but I want to make sure it stays that way.) I'm also going to be meeting with the personal trainer that has been helping her lose weight. I will learn exercises from her and do them and more as often as I can when I am home. I am nothing if not determined.
I have set up an appointment with a therapist. Goodness knows there is a ton I could talk about. I'm not even sure where to start. Do I start at the beginning with the problems trying to get pregnant? Do I start with my extreme disappointment over having a boy? Do I start at the birth? Or just last night when he woke me up and didn't want to burp or eat, only wanted to scream until I again brought the thoughts of death to the forefront of my mind.
I do okay during the day. I have learned that with the TV in front of me I can just zone out when he starts screaming. I still go through the motions of trying to comfort him, but I focus my mind on the images on the screen. I basically do what I can to check out mentally. Without my mind involved, I'm not there to react in a negative way. Well, I'm not there to react in any way, but I guess no positive is better than any negative.
To add to my depression, after trying on many pairs of jeans at multiple stores, I realized that there are no pants that will fit me. I have a huge skin flap hanging on my stomach. I have to get jeans in a huge size to accommodate that flap, but then the jeans are too big on my butt and legs. I looked like a blob in everything. The things that actually fit my legs and butt well, would of course not button up. It was horrible. I worked really hard not to cry about it. It occurred to me that it actually was a skin flap. It was not something I was going to be able to work off. It was just always going to be there, ruining any chance I had of reaching my goal.
I researched online and everyone was in agreement that the only way to get rid of that skin flap was to get a tummy tuck. It's expensive. Definitely more than we would be able to save in a year, but there is a possibility of getting insurance to cover it if the skin flap is causing problems such as a yeast infection. That's exactly what happened with me. The incision got a yeast infection on it because of the skin flap covering it up. So I'm hoping that I will get some helpful information when I go for my six-week postpartum visit.
I will have to wait many months. I know that and that sucks, but the surgeons want you at decent weight. Also, you heal faster when you are in better shape. So I will have lots of working out to do, but rest assured when I get the okay I will be diving into it. Mom has me set up with a weight loss clinic to get shots that are supposed to help "melt the fat," and after I get the okay I can get medications from them to help minimize my appetite. (I've not had much of an appetite lately, but I want to make sure it stays that way.) I'm also going to be meeting with the personal trainer that has been helping her lose weight. I will learn exercises from her and do them and more as often as I can when I am home. I am nothing if not determined.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Weight Update
I am now 2 weeks and 4 days out from the c-section. With the pregnancy, I gained 50 pounds. When I last checked a couple days ago, I only had 15 pounds left to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I was astonished and pleased. I am hopeful for when I start working out. Unfortunately, I know it will still be a while before I can work out in earnest. Six weeks is the standard waiting period and even then it will be up to the doctor. I don't want to do anything that might reopen my incision or rip my inner stitches.
Everyone knows that eating well goes hand in hand with exercising. That's something that I have been able to do. Of course, I believe it was the c-section that has led to my eating better. I cannot eat near as much. I eat less now then I did before I got pregnant. I think that has contributed to a large part of my weight loss. Less calories going in, but burning more through pumping and light activities.
I have to get down to 117 pounds. Assuming I am the same weight from a few days ago, I have to lose 103 pounds. I think it's possible. I can lose the weight and look like I need to to be attractive to my husband again. This is a super exciting thought!
Everyone knows that eating well goes hand in hand with exercising. That's something that I have been able to do. Of course, I believe it was the c-section that has led to my eating better. I cannot eat near as much. I eat less now then I did before I got pregnant. I think that has contributed to a large part of my weight loss. Less calories going in, but burning more through pumping and light activities.
I have to get down to 117 pounds. Assuming I am the same weight from a few days ago, I have to lose 103 pounds. I think it's possible. I can lose the weight and look like I need to to be attractive to my husband again. This is a super exciting thought!
The Delivery: Sylar's Arrival
Since the pregnancy had not gone as desired I'm not sure what made me think any part of labor and delivery would go as planned.
I was supposed to go in at 5:30 in the morning and be given a drug that was part of a trial to induce labor. (Just for knowledge, it was a drug that has been used for years as an induction method. They just changed the way it is administered. Therefore it is going through a trial phase.) I got a call the night before and a nurse told me to call before I came in because they were backed up with deliveries. So at 3:30am I called to check and the nurse said she would call me when they were ready. A little after 6:00am I got the call so we headed in.
Once we got into the labor room and I got hooked up, the first of many complications began. As it just so happens, I was already having contractions. That seems like it would be a good thing. However, because the contractions were being so consistent, they couldn't give me the trial drug to induce labor. Because of the way it's used, if it caused the contractions to come on to fast or too strong, they wouldn't be able to stop it immediately like they could with pitocin. I was told I could either go home and wait to go into active labor on my own or to go ahead and take the pit. As much as I didn't want to do that, I didn't want to wait after getting myself all psyched up for that day. So on pitocin I went.
Contractions got stronger. I could feel them, but they were not painful. I wasn't progressing quickly enough though so they decided to break my water. That was another thing I was hoping to avoid, having that done manually. Oh, well. When they came in to do it, I didn't even know. I thought I was just being cathed, but it was incredibly painful and I didn't understand why. I broke down into tears quickly. It wasn't until I felt the water that I realized what was going on. Afterwards the pain subsided and I returned to normal.
They did insert internal monitors. Again, something I didn't want, but that was required. It wasn't long after they broke the water that the contractions got really bad. I knew I was not going to be able to make it without drugs. I kicked everyone out of the room except for Bryan. I wanted to get the epidural without anyone trying to talk me out of it. I called for the epidural guy (who, by the way, is extremely nice) and asked to get drugged up. There were a few minor complications with that. Didn't get enough numbing stuff the first time and then he hit a blood vessel. Once that was done though I was feeling great! In no longer felt the contractions.
They came to check me later and found out I was fully dilated and completely effaced. They didn't want me to push though. Just told me to chill. Finally around midnight, they decided to have me try pushing. Nothing happened so they came back closer to one. I couldn't feel my legs at all, but they kept wanting me to move a bunch. Was kind of annoying. I kept trying to push, but I couldn't feel anything at all so I had no idea if I was pushing or not. After two hours of the straight pushing, I had given up. I didn't feel like I was making any progress and I just broke into crying after every push.
When I came in, I didn't want a c-section, but at that point it was all I wanted. Luckily, they agreed that it was the best idea, as well. I also knew that if I went in for a c-section that I wanted to have my tubes tied at the same time. When I told the nurse/doctor person this, she refused. She said that the person who signed off on having my tubes tied was only a medical researcher and shouldn't have done that and that it was a decision I had only made two days ago. I informed her that it was not a last minute decision, that my first and only appointment had been two days ago and that's why the consent form had been signed that late. Previously, I had been going to Lisa Ross and they knew long before that I wanted it done. From this point, I had two people telling me all about the regret, the regret, the regret. I HATED being pregnant and had NO intention of doing it again. Maybe some people regret the decision and want a half dozen kids, but that is not for me. The person told me that she would ask the head surgeon because she herself did not feel comfortable tying tubes after someone's first child.
They took me into the surgical room and I heard someone say that the tubes were being done, as well. So I was quite happy to hear that the head surgeon had sided with me. I was kind of out of it at this point. I was awake and had a general sense of what was going on, but felt like it was the craziest medicine head ever.
Bryan came in and they got started. Shortly after, I heard the baby's first cry and couldn't help but smile. They showed him to us. He was huge. Someone said to me, "No wonder you couldn't push him out! He's a toddler!" They took him over to get cleaned up and weighed. He weighed in at 9lbs 15oz, an ounce short of 10lbs. A lot different from the ultrasounds at either place.
They took care of my tubes and then stapled me up and sent me to recovery. I knew that Sylar was in the area next to me, but I couldn't see him because of a curtain. Finally, someone moved it so I could see him. We tried breastfeeding and only got a little milk. He also had no intention of latching onto the breast. They did a blood sugar test on him and found his sugar was extremely low. Since I wasn't producing enough milk, they had to get a bottle of formula and get him eating. Then they rushed him off to the NICU. I was extremely bummed about not being able to have him with me, but I was also exhausted. They took me to a recovery room.
The time after that is kind of a blur now. There was lots of pain, lots of visitors, lots of pills, and very little sleep. I was discharged three days after the c-section and Sylar was able to come home a day after that. He has been doing very well and I'm trying to adjust to motherhood. I'm failing pretty badly at it, but at least I try. That's issues for another blog though.
I was supposed to go in at 5:30 in the morning and be given a drug that was part of a trial to induce labor. (Just for knowledge, it was a drug that has been used for years as an induction method. They just changed the way it is administered. Therefore it is going through a trial phase.) I got a call the night before and a nurse told me to call before I came in because they were backed up with deliveries. So at 3:30am I called to check and the nurse said she would call me when they were ready. A little after 6:00am I got the call so we headed in.
Once we got into the labor room and I got hooked up, the first of many complications began. As it just so happens, I was already having contractions. That seems like it would be a good thing. However, because the contractions were being so consistent, they couldn't give me the trial drug to induce labor. Because of the way it's used, if it caused the contractions to come on to fast or too strong, they wouldn't be able to stop it immediately like they could with pitocin. I was told I could either go home and wait to go into active labor on my own or to go ahead and take the pit. As much as I didn't want to do that, I didn't want to wait after getting myself all psyched up for that day. So on pitocin I went.
Contractions got stronger. I could feel them, but they were not painful. I wasn't progressing quickly enough though so they decided to break my water. That was another thing I was hoping to avoid, having that done manually. Oh, well. When they came in to do it, I didn't even know. I thought I was just being cathed, but it was incredibly painful and I didn't understand why. I broke down into tears quickly. It wasn't until I felt the water that I realized what was going on. Afterwards the pain subsided and I returned to normal.
They did insert internal monitors. Again, something I didn't want, but that was required. It wasn't long after they broke the water that the contractions got really bad. I knew I was not going to be able to make it without drugs. I kicked everyone out of the room except for Bryan. I wanted to get the epidural without anyone trying to talk me out of it. I called for the epidural guy (who, by the way, is extremely nice) and asked to get drugged up. There were a few minor complications with that. Didn't get enough numbing stuff the first time and then he hit a blood vessel. Once that was done though I was feeling great! In no longer felt the contractions.
They came to check me later and found out I was fully dilated and completely effaced. They didn't want me to push though. Just told me to chill. Finally around midnight, they decided to have me try pushing. Nothing happened so they came back closer to one. I couldn't feel my legs at all, but they kept wanting me to move a bunch. Was kind of annoying. I kept trying to push, but I couldn't feel anything at all so I had no idea if I was pushing or not. After two hours of the straight pushing, I had given up. I didn't feel like I was making any progress and I just broke into crying after every push.
When I came in, I didn't want a c-section, but at that point it was all I wanted. Luckily, they agreed that it was the best idea, as well. I also knew that if I went in for a c-section that I wanted to have my tubes tied at the same time. When I told the nurse/doctor person this, she refused. She said that the person who signed off on having my tubes tied was only a medical researcher and shouldn't have done that and that it was a decision I had only made two days ago. I informed her that it was not a last minute decision, that my first and only appointment had been two days ago and that's why the consent form had been signed that late. Previously, I had been going to Lisa Ross and they knew long before that I wanted it done. From this point, I had two people telling me all about the regret, the regret, the regret. I HATED being pregnant and had NO intention of doing it again. Maybe some people regret the decision and want a half dozen kids, but that is not for me. The person told me that she would ask the head surgeon because she herself did not feel comfortable tying tubes after someone's first child.
They took me into the surgical room and I heard someone say that the tubes were being done, as well. So I was quite happy to hear that the head surgeon had sided with me. I was kind of out of it at this point. I was awake and had a general sense of what was going on, but felt like it was the craziest medicine head ever.
Bryan came in and they got started. Shortly after, I heard the baby's first cry and couldn't help but smile. They showed him to us. He was huge. Someone said to me, "No wonder you couldn't push him out! He's a toddler!" They took him over to get cleaned up and weighed. He weighed in at 9lbs 15oz, an ounce short of 10lbs. A lot different from the ultrasounds at either place.
They took care of my tubes and then stapled me up and sent me to recovery. I knew that Sylar was in the area next to me, but I couldn't see him because of a curtain. Finally, someone moved it so I could see him. We tried breastfeeding and only got a little milk. He also had no intention of latching onto the breast. They did a blood sugar test on him and found his sugar was extremely low. Since I wasn't producing enough milk, they had to get a bottle of formula and get him eating. Then they rushed him off to the NICU. I was extremely bummed about not being able to have him with me, but I was also exhausted. They took me to a recovery room.
The time after that is kind of a blur now. There was lots of pain, lots of visitors, lots of pills, and very little sleep. I was discharged three days after the c-section and Sylar was able to come home a day after that. He has been doing very well and I'm trying to adjust to motherhood. I'm failing pretty badly at it, but at least I try. That's issues for another blog though.
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