Well, depression followed me out of pregnancy and into the postpartum time. I was really hoping it wouldn't, but no such luck. I feel like all the horrible things about my pregnancy, from the many medical issues to the rejection from Bryan, have all manifested into this soulless creature that hates me and wants me to kill myself. I have never had the thought of death in my mind as much as I had over the past couple weeks. I have never gone over the many possible ways to end my own life so often.
I have set up an appointment with a therapist. Goodness knows there is a ton I could talk about. I'm not even sure where to start. Do I start at the beginning with the problems trying to get pregnant? Do I start with my extreme disappointment over having a boy? Do I start at the birth? Or just last night when he woke me up and didn't want to burp or eat, only wanted to scream until I again brought the thoughts of death to the forefront of my mind.
I do okay during the day. I have learned that with the TV in front of me I can just zone out when he starts screaming. I still go through the motions of trying to comfort him, but I focus my mind on the images on the screen. I basically do what I can to check out mentally. Without my mind involved, I'm not there to react in a negative way. Well, I'm not there to react in any way, but I guess no positive is better than any negative.
To add to my depression, after trying on many pairs of jeans at multiple stores, I realized that there are no pants that will fit me. I have a huge skin flap hanging on my stomach. I have to get jeans in a huge size to accommodate that flap, but then the jeans are too big on my butt and legs. I looked like a blob in everything. The things that actually fit my legs and butt well, would of course not button up. It was horrible. I worked really hard not to cry about it. It occurred to me that it actually was a skin flap. It was not something I was going to be able to work off. It was just always going to be there, ruining any chance I had of reaching my goal.
I researched online and everyone was in agreement that the only way to get rid of that skin flap was to get a tummy tuck. It's expensive. Definitely more than we would be able to save in a year, but there is a possibility of getting insurance to cover it if the skin flap is causing problems such as a yeast infection. That's exactly what happened with me. The incision got a yeast infection on it because of the skin flap covering it up. So I'm hoping that I will get some helpful information when I go for my six-week postpartum visit.
I will have to wait many months. I know that and that sucks, but the surgeons want you at decent weight. Also, you heal faster when you are in better shape. So I will have lots of working out to do, but rest assured when I get the okay I will be diving into it. Mom has me set up with a weight loss clinic to get shots that are supposed to help "melt the fat," and after I get the okay I can get medications from them to help minimize my appetite. (I've not had much of an appetite lately, but I want to make sure it stays that way.) I'm also going to be meeting with the personal trainer that has been helping her lose weight. I will learn exercises from her and do them and more as often as I can when I am home. I am nothing if not determined.
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